Sasha Is a Monster

Anna: wow, you blended statutory rape and analogy notation
me: i’m a really good writer

Andrew dives for the volleyball but he misses by an inch; it drops to the sand, hard and half a foot in-bounds.

He doesn’t get up, and at first we’re afraid he’s injured, but he’s rubbing at his eyes. “I forgot to close them!” he shouts. “Hang on!” He stumbles off the court, pulls a small travel bottle of contact solution from his shorts (”Were you a Boy Scout?”) and tries to wash off his contact lens, which he’s just removed from his eyeball.

He’s still got sand in his eye. He’s rubbing at it furiously. His face is covered in sand. His eye is growing redder and redder.

I hand him a bottle of water, and he washes his hands with it, then douses his face. He tries cleaning the contact again. He puts it in. It still hurts. He takes it out. His eye hurts badly now. He paces away from us, rubs at it some more, and eventually comes back.

Alicia offers him the cap to her water bottle. “Wanna put it in here?” she asks.

Andrew drops his contact lens into the cap and drips some more solution in.

The opposing team has begun bumping the ball amongst themselves as they wait for us to resolve our ocular emergency.

Andrew’s intently scrubbing at the contact lens. Both his eyes are watering now. The bottom half of his face is still covered in sand.

“You should get LASIK,” suggests Alicia casually.

Andrew stops what he’s doing and looks at her in disbelief. “Now?”

I laugh so hard my stomach hurts.

1) Mom throws the ball.
2) I chase after the ball.
3) I place the ball somewhere entirely inaccessible by Mom.
4) Again! Again!

always got her hands the highest /
she stopped drinking diet coke /
she on that coke diet /
she bat she bat her eyelids /
that girl is so wired /
i know she so tired /
but ooh she on fire /
hundred dollar bill, look at you, look at you /
a hundred dollar bills, this ain’t new, this ain’t new /
from that paris, lindsay, britney /
mary-kate, and whitney /
people say that they clean /
motherfucker don’t bullshit me”

- Kanye West, “Everyone Nose (Remix)”

1) Be referred to, by anybody, as a “drug memoirist.”

I was shocked. I was screaming.

One of my friends at Bank of America texted me, ‘Hey, we might be buying you guys.’

I was in denial. You see, Merrill has a much better reputation than a commercial bank like Bank of America. I was shocked I would be joining a lower-tier commercial bank. There’s a feeling, ‘I didn’t go through this whole interview process to work at a commercial bank.’

source via Gawker