Sasha Is a Monster

Vannessa, this rating will be based on two factors: breast size and vagina sexiness.

Overall rating 10/10

First, your breasts are very big and sexy. Your nipples are also very big.
Second, your vagina is hairy, and that only contributes to you sexiness.
Lastly, your status as a film actress boosts your photo popularity and makes this photo even sexier.

My personal comment is that you look perfect. Just keep posting sexy photos, like bikini or naked shots.

An Evil Beet commenter, on the naked photos of Vanessa Hudgens from over a year ago.

What’s notable here is that the grammar and spelling are respectable, at least compared to most of the people commenting on a photo like this. This is a person with a modicum of intelligence, employing the phrase “vagina sexiness” in what I can only assume is earnest. They live among us.

I also like how the scoring of Vanessa Hudgen’s sex appeal now has a more transparent set of criteria than, ya know, Olympic gymnastics.

and somebody tells you they love you /
you’re gonna believe them.”

Taylor Swift, “Fifteen”

Ouch!

I don’t understand why God hates me.

Here’s what God did to me tonight: I was playing indoor beach volleyball. That’s the kind of volleyball you play on sand. I was diving for a ball. And just as I was landing, God made the sand turn into concrete for a millisecond — just long enough for me to get a painful baseball-sized bruise on my shin. Then He turned it back into normal sand so that no one would believe me. Seriously it looks like someone pulled a Tonya Harding on my ass. That someone is God.

You’re very funny, Lord. Ha ha ha.

“Aunque no canta muy bien, su vagina debe ser muy rica.”

A random Evil Beet commenter on a year-and-a-half old post featuring a photo of Paulina Rubio in a short skirt.

Rough translation: “Although she doesn’t sing very well, her vagina should be very rich.”

Hyper-sexual, inappropriate, vaguely non-sensical blog commenting knows no language barriers.

1) The fact that I listened to the David Archuleta album, in its entirety, three times tonight.

2) It’s good, you guys.

Seattle?

Is not a rainy place.

I have been nothing but disappointed in the weather here.

I arrived in early April, when it was still gray and misty, but rarely rained. I was sad, because I’d been so excited for the rain, but I was assured it would return in the fall. Then, quickly, it was summer, and it doesn’t rain all summer at all in this city. Every day is sunny and clear. It’s awful when all you wanted from this city was endless rain. And I was so very, very excited for it to be September, when I assumed the rain would arrive in ceaseless torrents. It is now late November, people, and it hardly ever rains here still. It is occasionally cloudy and/or chilly, but, in general, it is relatively clear and warm enough that I can still wear short sleeves without being too terribly uncomfortable. I’m serious. In late November. This is ridiculous. I was lied to.

I have a theory that Seattle people make up lies about how rainy and cold it is here, to dissuade all of California from moving here. They like that they’re not over-populated. They like their laid-back, flannel, brunette, granola culture. They don’t want the rest of the world to know how freaking gorgeous and sunny and crisp and clear and beautiful it is here, even in late November. Except, for me, it worked in reverse. I moved here because I wanted a rainy climate, and have been so devastated to learn that, in reality, it hardly ever rains here.

Maybe it will get rainier in December. A girl can hope, right?