Sasha Is a Monster

Words I’ve been hearing recently: “Oh really? I hear gossip bloggers are great in bed.”

WTF?

Since when?

Did I start this?

If not, who did?

Okay, a few things:

1) The Nike+ system SUCKS BALLS. After a week or so of trying to make the piece of shit work, I finally gave up and paid a bunch more money for a Garmin Forerunner, and it was worth every penny. I’m returning the Nike+ shit tomorrow. The Forerunner is definitely the way to go. Much, much easier to use, even if it does cost more money. It costs way less in terms of emotional distress.

2) I’m also in love with MapMyRun.com, a free website that allows you to map out a course and see how far it is and also what the elevation changes will be over the course. It’s been extremely helpful.

3) I’ve been reading a book about marathon training that my friend Ryan recommended. It’s called The Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer (Amazon link here), and that’s also been helpful. Mostly the psychological tricks they recommend are helpful. Like, whenever you think a negative thought, they tell you to force yourself to follow that thought with “…but it doesn’t matter.” For instance: “This hill is steep … but it doesn’t matter” or “My legs are tired … but it doesn’t matter.” I’ve started doing that, and it makes a gigantic difference. They also recommend that when you feel pain or fatigue or fear or anything you dread that you just invite it to come run with you. Like “Oh, hello pain, come run with me” or “Oh, hello there, steep hills, come run with me.” I know it sounds stupid, but it actually makes a really big difference while you’re running. It’s also probably a useful way of thinking about life in general, but that’s getting a little too deep for me.

4) Today I did my first 5-mile run. I kind of went into it with the attitude like, “Ha ha ha, yeah right, I’m gonna run five miles, this’ll be amusing.” But you know what? I ran five miles. There were two times that I stopped and walked, but both times I didn’t walk for more than a minute or so. That’s a huge improvement over the girl who couldn’t even run a mile without being close to vomiting. My average mile time was 11:08 minutes, which isn’t impressive, but you know what? It’s running. It’s kind of cool now, like, I can see the progress I’m making, just in a few weeks. It’s still a long way from running 13.1 miles, but still. It’s progress! I’m kind of proud of myself, and I’m not the sort of person who’s easily impressed with herself. It’s a really cool feeling, actually! I should be proud of myself more often.

I saw Twilight tonight.

I really liked it.

Sigh.

Robert Pattinson’s one of those actors who doesn’t come across as particularly compelling in still photographs, but, on screen, moving and talking and brow-furrowing, he is sex personified. I’m so swoony now.

Kristen Stewart has great hair and ridiculously skinny legs. So jealous. Need to go for a run now so I can have Kristen Stewart’s below-the-boobs body (want to keep my own boobs, thanks, they’re way better than hers).

And I spent the entire movie trying to figure out where the vampire mom was from, and came home and checked IMDB and realized that she was the amnesiac pregnant chick they rescued from the ferry on Grey’s Anatomy and McAsshole fell in love with until her real husband came to claim her. She’s way less annoying as a vampire mom.

Oh, and my friend Katherine and I did dinner beforehand at Chaco Canyon Cafe which is totally organic and vegan, and it was amazing. So yummy. I got to have a grilled cheese sandwich and cream of potato soup. ALL VEGAN. It was soooo good. Katherine’s a vegetarian, and I gave her my spiel on veganism, and she seemed into trying it. “Your skin does look amazing,” she said. “You’re glowing.” I get that comment once or twice a day now, no joke. People use the same word — they all say I’m glowing. I love it. All that money spent on dermatologists and different face products, and all I had to do was change the way I ate. Silly.

didn’t anyone tell you /
you’re supposed to /
break my heart /
i expect you to /
so why haven’t you?”

Britney Spears, “Unusual You”

I appreciate your winks, I really do.

But, next time, I’d recommend you save your winking for sometime other than 10 pm on a Friday night. I know that I am sitting home alone on a Friday night, but I’d really like to think that you, my potential match, have something better going on. After all, if we date seriously, I plan to piggy-back onto your life rather than having to put all sorts of energy into developing an identity and social circle of my own. That’s just how I roll.

And if you’re going to extend yourself so far as to actually send me a message — at 10 pm on a Friday night — I’d prefer the text be something other than “hi how r u?” Because, like, really dude, if I’m already not worth the effort of typing out all three letters in the word “are,” I can’t see this going anywhere but down, and not in the fun way, either.

Last thing: If you employ the phrase “100% real” in your profile to describe yourself or your ideal date, I am going to message you to ask if you’ve reported all the half-androids you know to the CIA. Because they should know that this is going on.

Sometimes I miss living in LA, where JDate was worth joining. Because, you know, they were all schmucks just looking to get in your pants, but they were rich, well-dressed and well-connected schmucks who could buy you nice things and get you into the good parties before getting into your pants. In Seattle, they’re just plain schmucks, and there are no good parties. Sigh.

I’m the one in the middle.