Sasha Is a Monster

A girl at the gym today — one with way better abs than me, I might add — overheard me telling my trainer about the bottomless void of my love life.

“You have to read this book,” she said, straddling the leg curl backwards, after announcing that she’d been eavesdropping. “It’s called Why Men Marry Bitches. It’s changed everything for me.”

I do some research on this book, and apparently it indicates that men like women who are confident, financially secure and independent. In my experience, though, men like these qualities in a woman as long as they exist in quantities not to exceed their own.

And, like, I’m already such a bitch.

And what, then, of those tomes that suggest men prefer women who don’t challenge them, who support and agree with them, who don’t make them feel small and emasculated?

I just need someone to write Why Men Don’t Marry You, Sasha. Could someone please get on that? I expect it to be long and dense, but it would be nice if you could include lots of pictures to make it go down smoother. I also work particularly well with flowcharts.

“Emily was telling me this afternoon all about how you run your own website and it’s so successful. That’s really wonderful. This is going to sound awful, but, when I first saw you driving a Range Rover, I thought to myself, ‘I didn’t know she was married.’”

Miley Cyrus, Breakout
Rihanna, Good Girl Gone Bad
Britney Spears, Blackout
Bill Harris, Thresholds of the Mind podcasts
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth audiotapes

See, I’m so dichotomic I annoy myself. And I wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend.

I am the proud owner of a brand new coffee machine.

I’ve never owned a coffee machine before, and I’m like a little girl with her first tea set. I’ve set up a special “coffee station” on my kitchen counter, where I have the filters, the coffee, the creamer, the sugar packets and the stirring sticks. I actually get excited to get up in the morning and go play with my coffee machine. It makes me feel so grown-up!

Things the Roomba is good at:

• rolling across the floor
• flashing multi-colored lights
• scaring the dog
• bumping into walls
• beeping

Things the Roomba is not good at:

• vacuuming

Total time spent sleeping on couch today: 6 hours.