Sasha Is a Monster

1) Be referred to, by anybody, as a “drug memoirist.”

I was shocked. I was screaming.

One of my friends at Bank of America texted me, ‘Hey, we might be buying you guys.’

I was in denial. You see, Merrill has a much better reputation than a commercial bank like Bank of America. I was shocked I would be joining a lower-tier commercial bank. There’s a feeling, ‘I didn’t go through this whole interview process to work at a commercial bank.’

source via Gawker

T - 2 hours: Ew. I smell like dog pee all over. This is disgusting. I need a good cleaning.

T - 1.75 hours: Oh, joy! The carpet cleaning man is here! My owner will now spend a ton of money so that I can get the deep cleansing I deserve. Woot woot!

T - 45 minutes: I’m so clean and pretty! Spotless, that’s me! I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!

T - 30 minutes: My owner is opening the patio door to let some fresh air in. All the icky chemical smells from my cleansing can be released. The breeze is nice. I am so happy.

T - 15 minutes: Now my owner is going into the kitchen for thirty seconds to make lunch. Oh no! The dog is heading outside! OWNER! OWNER!! Ack!!! HELP!!! This can’t end well!

T - 13 minutes: Potted plant. All over me. I am gross again. Sad face. Sigh. At least I had nearly half an hour of cleanliness this month.

A music video from a Japanese band called Sour.

Eight lifetimes ago, when I studied computer science in college, our professors never tired of the topic of specificity in requirements. When you get requirements from a customer, we were told, they must be clear, comprehensive and unambiguous. If they are not, they must be sent back for revision. Or else.

This video, to me, perfectly illustrates the importance of providing clear requirements. For instance, if someone had told me simply to make a music video of my silhouette, featuring primarily what my hands can do, the end result would have been substantially different.

ZOMG.

ZOMG. ZOMG. ZOMG.

ZOMG Michael Phelps has a hot body.

ZOMG that drunk chick just peed on the dance floor.

ZOMG my dog is so ridiculously cute.

A girl at the gym today — one with way better abs than me, I might add — overheard me telling my trainer about the bottomless void of my love life.

“You have to read this book,” she said, straddling the leg curl backwards, after announcing that she’d been eavesdropping. “It’s called Why Men Marry Bitches. It’s changed everything for me.”

I do some research on this book, and apparently it indicates that men like women who are confident, financially secure and independent. In my experience, though, men like these qualities in a woman as long as they exist in quantities not to exceed their own.

And, like, I’m already such a bitch.

And what, then, of those tomes that suggest men prefer women who don’t challenge them, who support and agree with them, who don’t make them feel small and emasculated?

I just need someone to write Why Men Don’t Marry You, Sasha. Could someone please get on that? I expect it to be long and dense, but it would be nice if you could include lots of pictures to make it go down smoother. I also work particularly well with flowcharts.