Sasha Is a Monster

Comment left on my MySpace page today:

Hey EB!

I need your help! ages ago you posted a story… i think it was about some chick from the real housewives of OC but i may just be imagining it. Anyway it had topless pics of her and she had freakishly long nipples. Would you be able to send me a link to that story? i have this insano friend who thinks she has weird long nipples and i want to prove to her that she actually doesnt and i think that picture would really help.

I have tried searching for it on the site myself but have had no luck!

For anyone interested, the woman in question was Alex McCord.

But can someone tell me definitively whether or not Bill Harris is a total crackpot?

I’m fixated on him.

I love the sound of his voice. I listen to his podcasts obsessively — like, every single night — and the thing I miss most about my late ex-laptop was the ripped copy of the Holosync Prologue where he rambles endlessly about glial cells and Prigogine’s dissipative structures theory. And he’s reading it completely from a script he wrote beforehand, and he’s not paying attention to what the words actually mean in context, so the emphasis is all off, and there are pauses where they shouldn’t be and no pauses where they’re warranted, like actors on a stage learning the blocking, scripts in hand. Something about listening to it was so comforting, like being wrapped in a blankie and rocked to sleep by your crazy, muttering grandfather.

But one minute I’ll be listening to him and thinking to myself, “This man is freaky brilliant and amazing,” and then five minutes later I’m like, “Oh, never mind, total crackpot scam artist.”

Anyone have opinions?

Two tablespoons of Orville Redenbacher’s Light Butter popcorn unpopped: 120 calories

One cup of Orville Redenbacher’s Light Butter popcorn popped: 20 calories

This fascinates me.

How does the caloric content lose so much value after being popped?

Clearly it’s the hymen of the culinary world.

Not taking sleeping pills to ward off insomnia four hours before the alarm is scheduled to go off.

It’s true every single time.

In my inbox, from Lou Bellera, the current husband of Amy Fisher:

Subject: Photo

Hi Sasha,
Could I please replace this horendous photo of myself with my wife with a new one that I can provide?
http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/2008/01/04/of-course-amy-fisher-has-a-sex-tape/amy-fisher-and-husband-louis-bellera-pictures-photos/
Could you please remove the comment I made on that site, I thought I was contacting you when I did that.
Let me know where to send a new photo.
Many thanks!
Lou Bellera

Knock knock?
Who’s there?
Amy Fisher.
Amy Fisher wh –
BANG!

Why isn’t this my automatic reflex when things jump out of garbage cans?

I’m lacking in valuable life skills.

Clearly I need to cut back on the yoga and focus on kickboxing.