In the past few months, I’ve made a concerted effort to keep the most personal parts of my private life off the Internet. I’m trying to have something that’s just mine. It’s worked well, generally, and Operation Private Life has seen its intended results. I don’t have any overwhelming desire to start talking about meds on here again.
But something interesting’s happened. They finally tapered me off the Seroquel, which makes me tired and fat and apathetic about everything, and put me on a drug called Trileptal, which is indicated for epilepsy but it’s seen good results in bipolar patients with minimal side effects.
In the past, when I’ve gone off the Seroquel, I’ve gone pretty much straight into manic episodes. Thus far, with the Trileptal, I haven’t had any manic episodes, really (although my sleep has been weak at best). What’s happened, instead, is that I’ve become totally OCD. Things about the way my closet is organized, dirt on my car floor, my refrigerator, my laundry pile suddenly bother me. Everything needs to be clean and organized and it has to happen now. I’m frantic. I’ve done more cleaning in the past week than I have in the rest of my life combined. But it’s cool, though, because I get to understand how other people think. I get to understand what people are thinking when they’re like, “No, you absolutely must take off your shoes at the door.” It’s a cool experience and, once I grow into it, I don’t think I’ll mind this side effect. Everything’s getting all organized and I don’t even mind! My mother would be so proud.
I’ve stopped being angry at the meds. I’ve stopped being angry at the doctors who fuck around with them, who spent the better part of my life prescribing medicine that made me sicker. The cool thing about having been on a billion different psych meds that effect you in a billion different ways is that you really get to appreciate the way other people think. You get to understand a lot of different mindsets. And it’s awesome — in the literal sense — how a simple change in brain chemistry can so completely affect the way one believes one must interact with the world.
I’ve started thinking of it as a beautiful experiment. I get to be a lot of different brains in this life! And I get to appreciate how truly separate our brains are from ourselves. There’s an observer — there’s a me — watching this brain interact inconsistently with the world, as me. I am not my brain. There is a separate me, watching. That observer is consistent.
Anyway.
My apartment’s on its way to being very, very organized.
So, so true about the meds screwing with your mind and how you think. I have been on meds for 21 years and have experienced the mind set of many, many different perspectives. It is hard to explain unless you have actually experienced the difference.
Anywhooo, 7 days ago I decided to quite cold turkey. I didn’t tell my doctor or my family. I did tell my daughter, because the poor thing has to put up with me 50% of the time (the other 50% she gets to be with her “normal” dad). Her first response: “Noooooo. Please don’t do it mom! You get crazy when you don’t take your meds.” Yeah, thanks for the support and confidence, love. I’ve actually been doing very well. I was very, very tired for several days after I quite. If I have a breakdown then I will definitely go back on the meds. I know my body and mind well enough to know when disaster is eminent. I hope that I can actually pull this off. I’m going to try.
The past three days have been the most productive days of my life. I’m finally writing again!!! The words are flowing from my fingers to my PC and I am in heaven. Not only am I writing this book, but I’M GOING TO FINISH IT!!! I don’t care if it is ever published. I am going to finish.
Best of luck, Sasha. I don’t know what you are going through, but I know the daily “normal” struggle some people spend their whole lives trying to achieve. I know you believe in God from your posts. I do as well. Please say a prayer for my peace of mind and sanity if you have a chance. I’ll pray for you.
Wow, I’ll keep you in my prayers! I’m happy for you that things are going well so far. :)
Hi Sasha,
I feel weird butting in with my opinion, but you put this part of your life out there so I guess you have to expect it.
Here’s what I’m wondering: have you ever tried going to a counselor? I just ask because if it were me going from psyc med to psyc med, still having issues, still not feel happy, I would want to look for a solution to my problems that didn’t involve ingesting some sort of drug that altered the way my brain works. I’m saying this as a student nurse, who has learned about counseling and as someone who has been to a counselor herself and has seen how much it can help.
I guess I’m just of the opinion that I wouldn’t want to have to take a pill my entire life in order to feel “normal”. Working through deeply ingrained psychological issues, that you maybe didn’t even know were there, can provide you with some relief from your symptoms.
If you have tried counseling and it didn’t work out, I encourage you to try again with a different counselor. The relationship you have with your counselor is very important. If you don’t feel that you can connect and share with them, it will never work.
Anyways, that’s just my opinion. Let me know what you think! I’ve been a long time reader and really enjoy your blog.
Thanks Lindsay! I appreciate you weighing in kindly. I actually do see a therapist weekly, and he’s helped a LOT, but it still gets quickly out of control when I’m not medicated. I’m working on it, though. :) The goal is to eventually be totally med-free.