My Lord, I love it when it rains! The past several days have been overcast and rainy, the clouds low and dark and otherworldly. The rain falls in sheets and makes rapid pounding noises on my windshield. And it’s like something’s been released from me, like my body is lighter, like it’s let go of something it didn’t even know it was clenching. I know this is strange, and I know most people’s moods operate the opposite way, but I just thrive in the rain. I’ve felt amazing this week, better than I have in months and months. I’m bummed because they’re predicting sun for next week. I’m hoping the predictions are wrong.
I have been convinced to go on a “spiritual retreat” this weekend. It’s for women only, and it’s over on the Olympic Peninsula, just a ferry ride and a 30-minute drive. This is the sort of thing I would normally never take part in. I will have a roommate (whom I don’t know), and there will be no Internet in the room, and I’m sure we won’t have a TV, either. There is a schedule, and activities start at 7 am. Lights out is at 11 pm. I really don’t see how any of this is going to work for me. My day typically doesn’t get rolling until just a few hours before 11 pm. I’m not excited about the prospect of sharing a room with someone, and I have no idea how I’m going to sleep at 11 pm, or what I’m going to do for all the hours between lights out and when I actually fall asleep. Hopefully there will be some sort of main living area where I can turn on a little lamp and read. And seriously there’s no way I’m getting up at 7 am. By the time I normally wake up, most of the day’s activities will be over. Can you tell I have a great deal of anxiety about this supposedly relaxing retreat? But, ya know, I’m trying to try new things. I’m working very hard at just being. As I was whining to my mother the other day about how directionless my life feels lately, she was like, “Sasha, the ground has to be fallow for a certain period of time before something new can grow.” That made a lot of sense to me. So I’m working very hard at being Fallow Sasha right now, not pushing myself to start something new or create something huge, just to be. That’s exceptionally hard when you’re a hyper-competitive overachiever like I am. But I’m getting much better at it. I’m hoping this retreat will help further my progress toward becoming someone who doesn’t need to make progress.
That said, the aforementioned time schedule of the retreat has me in a lot of anxiety about my meds. Normally I live this life where I just sleep for a lot of the day and hole myself up alone in my apartment at night, and I don’t have to notice that other people get up at 7 am, go do stuff during the daylight, and then get to bed not long after the sun comes down. At this retreat, I’ll be surrounded — and rooming with — normal, healthy human beings who maintain schedules consistent with the Circadian rhythm. I am already feeling guilty and lazy about it. The psych meds I’m on pretty much shoot my Circadian rhythm to shit, and even during the hours I’m awake I feel lethargic. And then at night I eat like a monster — on auto-pilot, a slave to my cravings — so I can’t lose 10 pounds for the life of me, even though the doctor said it was important I do so to ward off full-blown diabetes. I am sick of the lethargy, I’m sick of the eating, and I’m sick of living on a different schedule than the rest of the world. It makes it hard to remember how sick I was of the bipolar symptoms. I’m doing so well this week, and it makes me want to get off my meds. I’m already plotting how I’ll taper off of them and then be fine. Ugh. I know that’s a bad idea, I’m just so damn sick of the side effects of those stupid pills. I’m hoping this retreat, for better or for worse, will help me get some clarity on this over-sleeping, over-eating insanity.
You know Sasha, perhaps TRYING to stick to a schedule might be beneficial. I know the meds mess you at times, but I noticed when I am forced to get up very early and the day is busy with activities I do end up falling asleep earlier than normal. I hate routines, and I HATE schedules so I can sympathize with you. Give it a try, what have you got too loose?
Glad you realize you need to stay in the meds. Good for you!
Aww Sasha! I really hope you get better. You know, I think your mom is right. And I understanding how hard it is to just “be”, being an overacheiver myself, but I know you can do it. Ohhh and sticking to a schedule does wonders. Actually perhaps its not the schedule that does wonders, but making lists. I bought a day-by-day agenda where I write to do lists on every single day. Most of the time I don’t end up doing everything on my list, and sometimes i give up on certain things but it helps me stay focused on the mundane things of life.
Oh random, but I was listening to this beautiful haunting song by a Polish singer, I think you have Polish roots yourself, anyhow it’s an old song that I love listening to on rainy days. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mVggh9IMyQ I’m not sure if you’ll enjoy it but I guess I’ll give it a try :)
I take anti-depressants that leave me with the same exhaustion you describe - only 4 hours after getting out of bed I’ll be ready for a nap. I know it’s never ideal to remedy the side-effects of one medicine with another, but after trying to cope with this problem in different ways (different meds, going off them completely) my doctor suggested I try taking a low dose of Ritolin when I wake up to combat the lethargy. It’s been infinitely helpful in giving me back my energy, and although I know everyone’s different, perhaps it (or another similar medication) would be something worthwhile to look into.
Good luck this weekend, hope it turns out to be a great experience! :)
Wow, my post is below….same thing here with the ritilan. It’s been a lifesavor for me.
Sasha, I’ve been on different meds for over 15 years. It seems like they would work for awhile then bam, back to the beginning. I’ve also had breast cancer and chemo, so now the doctor’s don’t even want to touch me with a ten foot pole.
I have found a wonderful nurse practioner, who is wonderful. Dealing with severe depression and added problems from the chemo, my life at times was, well, no way to live. In fact, I didn’t want to live. My sleep schedule was quite like yours. Hard to function in the everyday world when you are on a completely different schedule.
What is working for me now believe it or not is just adding 20 milligrams of Ritilan each morning. My doctor first put me on it for 10 days to pull me out of a deep depression. I found though that every time I quit taking it, it was just a matter of a few days and I was back to nothingland. I now take it every morning and it has changed my life dramatically. Just sharing….
Plus, send out a shout to Big Daddy, 2 of his kids have the swine flue and he’s quite concerned. :)
Please stay on your meds! I know what happens when ppl stop taking them! Maybe you could ask to lower the dose or try taking them at a different time each day. Just ask your doc 1st.
Sasha, I can’t believe I’m commenting. I NEVER do this. I just want to pass along a piece of advice my doc gave me… She got sick of me going on/off blah, blah, blah. She said she gets patients that do this all the time. As soon as I/we feel better, we don’t think we need the meds. Thus starts the cycle all over again. At first, I was totally insulted, because, of course, at that moment in time, I was A-OK. I didn’t need them. Ha! I wish. Just because I don’t want to need them, doesn’t mean I don’t. Anyway, I’m a trusted reader of all your stuff (trust me that I’m not a “fan” of anyone, so this very conflicting). You make my days easier to bear. Thank you.
OMG sasha, does your sleeping medicine make you eat like crazy at night?? Mine does. My roommate and I call it my night eating. Luckily (I guessss) I barely eat during the day, so there hasn’t been any weight increase. But seriously, a half hour before I go to bed, I’m like a 17 year-old stoner, eating anything I can. It’s ridiculous.
I’m going to try to start eating more normally during the day, and seeing if it helps at all.
Maybe it could be time to change your meds? Tweak them a bit? Don’t just jump off of them… for your own sake. When I started taking medicine again in like… June I think? I was SO TIRED ALL THE TIME. All I wanted to do was sleep. We kept changing when I would take them, and I finally figured out what how to stop it. I take one in the am, and one sometime in the evening. I’ve been getting up WAY earlier than I used to, since before all I wanted to do was sleep and stay in bed when I was depressed.
I’m rooting for you!!