My Lord, I love it when it rains! The past several days have been overcast and rainy, the clouds low and dark and otherworldly. The rain falls in sheets and makes rapid pounding noises on my windshield. And it’s like something’s been released from me, like my body is lighter, like it’s let go of something it didn’t even know it was clenching. I know this is strange, and I know most people’s moods operate the opposite way, but I just thrive in the rain. I’ve felt amazing this week, better than I have in months and months. I’m bummed because they’re predicting sun for next week. I’m hoping the predictions are wrong.
I have been convinced to go on a “spiritual retreat” this weekend. It’s for women only, and it’s over on the Olympic Peninsula, just a ferry ride and a 30-minute drive. This is the sort of thing I would normally never take part in. I will have a roommate (whom I don’t know), and there will be no Internet in the room, and I’m sure we won’t have a TV, either. There is a schedule, and activities start at 7 am. Lights out is at 11 pm. I really don’t see how any of this is going to work for me. My day typically doesn’t get rolling until just a few hours before 11 pm. I’m not excited about the prospect of sharing a room with someone, and I have no idea how I’m going to sleep at 11 pm, or what I’m going to do for all the hours between lights out and when I actually fall asleep. Hopefully there will be some sort of main living area where I can turn on a little lamp and read. And seriously there’s no way I’m getting up at 7 am. By the time I normally wake up, most of the day’s activities will be over. Can you tell I have a great deal of anxiety about this supposedly relaxing retreat? But, ya know, I’m trying to try new things. I’m working very hard at just being. As I was whining to my mother the other day about how directionless my life feels lately, she was like, “Sasha, the ground has to be fallow for a certain period of time before something new can grow.” That made a lot of sense to me. So I’m working very hard at being Fallow Sasha right now, not pushing myself to start something new or create something huge, just to be. That’s exceptionally hard when you’re a hyper-competitive overachiever like I am. But I’m getting much better at it. I’m hoping this retreat will help further my progress toward becoming someone who doesn’t need to make progress.
That said, the aforementioned time schedule of the retreat has me in a lot of anxiety about my meds. Normally I live this life where I just sleep for a lot of the day and hole myself up alone in my apartment at night, and I don’t have to notice that other people get up at 7 am, go do stuff during the daylight, and then get to bed not long after the sun comes down. At this retreat, I’ll be surrounded — and rooming with — normal, healthy human beings who maintain schedules consistent with the Circadian rhythm. I am already feeling guilty and lazy about it. The psych meds I’m on pretty much shoot my Circadian rhythm to shit, and even during the hours I’m awake I feel lethargic. And then at night I eat like a monster — on auto-pilot, a slave to my cravings — so I can’t lose 10 pounds for the life of me, even though the doctor said it was important I do so to ward off full-blown diabetes. I am sick of the lethargy, I’m sick of the eating, and I’m sick of living on a different schedule than the rest of the world. It makes it hard to remember how sick I was of the bipolar symptoms. I’m doing so well this week, and it makes me want to get off my meds. I’m already plotting how I’ll taper off of them and then be fine. Ugh. I know that’s a bad idea, I’m just so damn sick of the side effects of those stupid pills. I’m hoping this retreat, for better or for worse, will help me get some clarity on this over-sleeping, over-eating insanity.
