I woke up at 6 am today and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I have no idea why. That never happens to me. I can always fall back asleep. So the number of things I did today is astonishing — I can’t even remember that far back. I think this is why I blog — because after 10 hours or so, I just forget what I did. I called my mom, all excited because I had time to talk. “I have nothing else to do!” I told her, delighted. I wanted to discuss childhood resentments. She explained that she didn’t have time — she has things she does in the morning. I got fussy. So she talked to me for awhile about my resentments, because that’s what I wanted to do at that moment. And she still can’t figure out why I act like the world revolves around me.
I talked to my credit card company for like two hours, too, but I’m not entirely sure about what. They’re launching an investigation, though. I got an email confirmation about it.
Most of the rest of the day was a blur. I went into the office, and managed to fuck up everything for my friend Chelsia, who was going to come to the Twitter conference with me and had her boss talked into paying for all of it, and then without thinking I opened my stupid mouth and was like “My boss won’t pay for my plane ticket!” and — whoops! — my boss is Chelsia’s boss’s boss. So then her boss was all like “Oh, shoot, I have to ask him then … ” and I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. I am normally not someone who just wanders around thoughtlessly fucking up opportunities for other people — this is what happens when I don’t get my 10 hours of sleep — and I apologized to her a million times, but I still feel awful. Soooo if my boss is reading this (and I know you will be!!) PLEASE pay for Chelsia to come to LA!!!
Annnnnyway, then other stuff happened, and then Trisha and her husband (!!!!) Jesse came to pick me up and we went to a pumpkin-carving party at our friend Natascha’s house. ZOMG. I haven’t carved a pumpkin in so long. It was AMAZING. So much fun. Best time EVER. Trish brought a stencil for her pumpkin and she was being all super-secretive about what it was for. I was trying to decide what to do for my pumpkin, and I was all like, “Maybe I’ll do Kate Gosselin. I bet they have a stencil for that. Oooh, I bet they have Octomom, too. You know what? I bet by now they already have a freakin’ stencil for Balloon Boy!” Trish just glared at me and was like “Shhh!”
In my sleepless haze, I thought I had said something offensive. I was racking my brain trying to figure out who I’d offended by making a Balloon Boy joke — who at the party had accidentally lost their 6-year-old in a hot-air balloon? — and then I realized why she was so upset. This is her finished pumpkin:
And this is her finished pumpkin sitting next to my finished pumpkin:
Do you see why I need constant adult supervision? Trisha’s pumpkin looks like it was carved by a responsible adult woman. My pumpkin looks like it was carved by a drunken toddler.
Oh, and this was my inspiration for the pumpkin, which I named “Mr. Buck-Toothed Hick”:
This is the rest of the girls’ pumpkins:
And this is what it looked like when we added in the guys’:
I’m like a proud parent! I love them all so much! (But I love mine the most!)
Oh God and then also I think iJustine and I might have a fist fight next week. This shit was not good. I was trying to be funny — I didn’t think she could possibly read all her Twitter responses — but obviously it was brought to her attention and hurt her feelings. I feel bad about that. I feel the way I feel about her, but I’m not about hurting feelings, especially not of other bloggers. I know what it’s like to put yourself out there on the Internet — I get how hard that is and how much guts it takes, how it takes guts every single fucking day. I should try to find her next week and apologize. She will probably hit me, and I’ll deserve it. (I do actually own that URL, though. Long story.)
