Wellll, I didn’t fall asleep until 4 am last night. But then I slept until noon. Then went into the office. Then fell asleep at my desk. Then somehow drove home and slept some more. Then saw Wiggles. Then played volleyball. Now back home.
I’m done with the new meds. Hate ‘em. Over ‘em. Back on the old ones. I don’t care if I don’t sleep. I talked to my friend Emily, who is like my shining bastion of hope with this shit, because she’s been through all the same shit I’ve been through and is now completely med-free. She told me she didn’t sleep well for like a month when she was getting off the anti-psychotics. “Give yourself some time to be sick,” she said. That made a lot of sense to me. Not as, like, a victim mentality, but just in the sense that I can’t be too hard on myself. Like, I just have to be okay with the fact that my body is going to freak out a little bit about this. It doesn’t all have to be perfect RIGHT NOW.
Wiggles was very angry when I told him about what the psychiatrist had done. “When all you have is a hammer,” he said, “everything looks like a nail.” Meaning that the only thing a psychiatrist knows how to do is write more prescriptions. NOT WHAT I WANT OR NEED. Wiggles doesn’t especially think I should be on any meds.
ANYWAY. I’m super excited, because I’m going to LA for the Twitter conference next week!!! RealNetworks is hosting the VIP party, so they have some free passes to the conference, and they were kind enough to give me one. I’m paying my own airfare and hotel, but I’ve been able to work out some pretty decent deals. It’ll still be more money than I really want to spend right now, but it’ll be nice to be back in LA, to catch up with old friends, and to do some networking at the conference. I’m also really looking forward to going to @ijustine’s panel and booing. SO JEALOUS. (Molls will totally come with me though.)
I’m kind of back in the mentality where I feel like I need a “real” job, but then I spend an hour looking into it and realize that a) I would hate a real job and b) No one would ever hire me for anything because I have no experience doing anything but running blogs. And then I panic because no one would ever hire me to do a real job because I have no experience doing anything but running blogs and I feel like I need to remedy that by getting a real job. But then, I realize that no one would ever hire me to do a real job because I have no experience doing anything but running blogs. So then I feel like I have to remedy that by getting a real job. Do you see how this doesn’t work?
I spent a few minutes on the Boston Consulting Group website, thinking, ya know, maybe management consulting would be fun and challenging. They have this sample case study you can do to “prep” for their interviews. I seriously got five minutes into that thing and I was insane with boredom. I can’t possibly spend 16 hours a day analyzing somebody else’s boring business. I can barely handle minimal analysis of my own boring business. I mean, if I wanted to do tedious, emotionally unrewarding, hyper-competitive work like that, I would have just gotten an MBA. Oh, wait.
Seriously, though, I have absolutely no idea what I would do if I didn’t run my own little media company. I can’t think of anything else in the world that I could handle doing and that anyone would ever agree to hire me to do. And that is terrifying. I need to just let go of it — to realize that, right now, everything is FINE. I do run my own little media company, and I make a living at it, and I don’t need to do anything else right now. I just get panicked at the thought that I don’t have other options. And I do have other options. I just hate them all. UGH.
