Hello. I’m alive. My dad leaves tomorrow morning, and then I’ll be better about posting on here in the evenings.
There’s a lot of stuff on my mind lately. Bad stuff and then good stuff that has the potential to become bad stuff. Life is feeling increasingly overwhelming. When that happens, I know I’ve lost track of God, and the sense that everything in the universe is exactly as it should be. It will all be just fine. Usually I know that internally, instinctively, but having my father in town has disrupted my schedule, which is precious to me. I do not like disruptions in my routine. I need my routine. I’ve loved having him here, and he’s the best father I ever could have hoped for, but I’m jonesing to get back to my regular life. My routine keeps me connected to my spiritual beliefs, and as a result I don’t freak out over things that haven’t even happened yet and might not. But between all the drama with my friend a couple weeks ago and having my dad in town, I’m just so off-balance. Tonight I felt a full-on panic attack coming on, so I took my panic-attack meds, which I haven’t done in a long time. I hadn’t felt that panic urge so strongly (besides boarding the sit-fly) in months and months. I need to just remember that I am on a path and that what I want that path to look like matters not. I am not in control, and the universe has far better plans for me that those I would create for myself. I need to live in that knowledge. When I do that, I don’t have the panic attacks.
After the last time I went bat-shit crazy, I started creating full days for myself on my calendar. Like, just have the whole day scheduled on there. And then followed it. I think I need to get back to that, and I also think I need to do the same thing with food. I’d wanted my dad and I to come up with a meal plan for me while he was here, since he’s a nutritionist, but somehow that didn’t get done. (I also forgot to ask him for money.) But it’s become pretty clear that I have to get serious about losing 10 pounds, because now all of a sudden with this pre-diabetes shit, my health is on the line. I’d always thought that the idea of losing 10 pounds was silly, since I wasn’t even overweight, and I should just accept my body as it is (and I do). But now I have all these doctors suggesting I drop 10 pounds in an effort to ward off full-blown diabetes, so now I have to actually approach it for real. Does anyone know any good (free) websites that help you do meal planning, particularly any that have options for people with high glucose? Needing suggestions.
And, lastly, for some fun pictures:
Leo eating horse poop at Ocean Shores
Me and Leo at Ocean Shores
Me and Daddy at Seattle’s famous gum wall
And with that, I’ll try to sleep some tonight.
