Today started out kind of rough. I got up really late — something that I absolutely must stop doing — and hung out around the house until my appointment with Wiggles at 2. But, ya know, as much as I think talk therapy is ridiculously expensive and as annoyed as I get about having to see a therapist every damn week, it really helps. I don’t know if it makes me feel better, necessarily, but it always helps me to see things in a new perspective. And I like Wiggles because he doesn’t give the traditional advice I’m used to hearing. He’s willing to think outside “traditional” wisdom, and he helps me to be clearer and more confident about my decisions, my desires, my disappointments. After our session, I headed over to the apartment of this guy I’ve been seeing on and off for awhile. I haven’t written anything about it or him on here, but it’s been really difficult for me, because he’s not in a place to be in a relationship right now, and that’s what I want from him, and he can’t give it. He’s been honest with me about that, I’ve just had a hard time accepting it. And, realistically, it’s probably not the right relationship for me anyway. (And no, before you guys start, it’s not the guy with the kid in Germany.) It’s hard because we run in the same circle of friends and I have to see him all the time, so just as soon as I’m starting to get over him and swear him off forever, he pops up again in my life and I melt. So we talked. I basically told him we need to split up our lives, at least until 2010. We talked and we split up the events: He can go to this and I won’t, and I can go to that and he won’t. He wasn’t especially happy about it — he wanted to know why I couldn’t find a middle ground — but in the end he agreed, and he did so kindly, and I appreciated that. We’re just going to agree to avoid each other until the end of the year. It still kind of stings, but I feel a lot better about the whole thing now. I feel like I can start to move on.
I’m trying to think of fun new things I can do to stay busy and expand my social circle. Someone randomly suggested in the comments a couple weeks ago that I should try ballet, and I loved the idea, so I’m looking at beginner adult ballet classes. I think that would be super fun! I also found a couple of social groups in Seattle that look great, like Seattle Anti-Freeze and Space City Mixer. I’m going to try to get a couple of girlfriends together and go to some of those events. I also thought it might be fun to join a volunteering organization like the Junior League, but they only do registration in June, so I’m trying to find other similar groups.
Tonight was awesome because I had volleyball, which is always awesome, but it was extra awesome tonight because we needed a sub and my friend Staci came with. She KICKS ASS at volleyball, and the whole team played better because of her. It’s crazy how having someone new and talented there helps raise the quality of everyone’s game. I was very impressed with how well we played. Our teammate Phil is kind of an astronomy geek (his words, not mine), and he told us that at 7:35 we’d be able to see the international space station. So we ran outside after the game finished and, sure enough, we saw a really bright spot in the sky that Phil assured us was the space station. We stood in the parking lot and watched it cross the sky. “It’s moving fast,” I said. Phil explained that the space station is not moving — rather, Earth is. This of course bowled everyone over. “Our planet is moving that fast?” I mean, I know the Earth rotates, but it’s weird to stare up at a stationary object in near space and use it as a guide to how fast the planet is rotating. That thing was moving quick. It was gone within a couple minutes, having moved all the way across the sky. Then Phil showed us Jupiter, which was visible tonight as well. And then we made a bunch of Uranus jokes and laughed ourselves silly. I came home feeling relaxed and so much better about everything. I feel hopeful for the first time in awhile. And it occurs to me tonight for the first time how important it is to feel hopeful. For me, it’s pretty much the entire difference between happy and sad. When I’m hopeful, I’m happy. When I’m sad and depressed, it’s because I feel hopeless. Must. Stay. Hopeful.
