OK. I think I’m getting sick. I have been feeling like total ass all day, and of course since the doctor told me I had “pre-diabetes” yesterday I spent the entire day wondering if there was something wrong with my glucose level. Now it’s nearly midnight and I have a screaming headache and my whole body is on fire and I’m nauseous as hell and so I’m pretty sure I’m just getting sick. Which SUCKS because my dad’s coming into town tomorrow and I’ve been SO EXCITED for this and if I’m sick the whole time I’ll be really bummed. We’re supposed to go to Sequim on Saturday to go berry-picking! I’m going even if we have to throw me in the back of the car with a 102 degree fever and a pillow. I will crawl out to pick my blackberries!
I really think I make myself sick with stress. I’ve also been cleaning my carpets so I may be sick from breathing in the chemicals all day. It could be either, really. I’m trying to get the house all perfect for my dad tomorrow, but it’s far from it. The guest bathroom smells like pee. I don’t know if it’s dog pee or cat pee or some other pee. It has smelled like pee for quite some time now, despite repeated scrubbings of the floor and tub. I don’t understand why it smells like pee. I got a freakin’ blacklight to try to figure out the source of the pee, and it didn’t find anything in that bathroom. (I also tested it on my bed, just for kicks, and it didn’t find any “spots” there, either, so I think it may be broken.) Seriously though. WHY DOES MY GUEST BATHROOM SMELL LIKE PEE? It’s completely stressing me out. I don’t want my dad to have to use a bathroom that smells like pee. And I’ve been using the guest bedroom as a storage facility for awhile, so I still need to clean that stuff out, clean the room, and get a bed in there for him. Hosting guests is like the most stressful thing ever. I kind of just want to get us all hotel rooms for the time he’s here.
I also hate having carpet and I want hard floors. I’d be fine even with just cement. Carpet is extremely hard to maintain when you have four animals. I’ve toyed with the idea of just ripping up my carpet myself and living with whatever’s underneath, but when I tried to pull up a bit in the closet just to check, I found it was nearly impossible to get it up. How do you strip carpet?
Anyway.
I had a long phone conversation with one of my ex-boyfriends today. We lived together for awhile in LA, and then he dumped me, and it was devastating, and I thought our relationship was irreparable, that I could never even think his name without seething with anger and envy. That happened about three years ago, and a lot has happened since then. He got engaged — I was devastated. He got married — I was devastated. Six months after that he and his wife split up, and he called me — for the first time in years — when that happened, and I found I was able to be a friend. I could empathize with him. I didn’t have to gloat — that wasn’t even my instinct. My instinct was to support and help him, and that’s what I did.
He’s been a part of my support system this past week. When I was sitting next to my friend’s bed in the hospital all day, crying my eyes out, he was texting me jokes. Some damn funny ones, too. He’s been DMing and Facebook messaging me all week to check up on things, and then today he called to see how I was holding up between all this shit and the diabetes shit and we just ended up talking forever and it was really good, really friendly. It didn’t open any old wounds for me. There’s such a relief in that — he was the one person I just never, ever thought I’d be able to have in my life without it hurting. But he’s back in my life, and he’s not my boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, and I don’t want to be his girlfriend. We are friends. It doesn’t hurt. So, ya know, anything’s possible.
