So tired. Too tired. Tired where you get a little crazy.
I’m in a place emotionally right now where it’s like for the most part the sadness and the fear and the anger drapes my body loosely, like a linen shirt. It’s not an ideal way to exist, but I can move around comfortably. But every now and then it hardens, widens, and waves itself through my torso, starting at the bottom, like a magician as he halves his assistant. I know this will pass. I know that it will. I don’t know when. And I don’t want to live through the days in between, really. I will, though. This is the human experience.
Turns out I have pre-diabetes. The doctor described that by explaining I was on the road to diabetes, but I could still make a U-turn. She made some vague suggestions about eating habits and told me to do half an hour of cardio a day. We’ll retest me in a month. Oh and then she told me I needed a tetanis vaccine or something and I needed to go down the hall and get it done, and I haven’t really slept more than a couple hours a night for most of the past week, and I was like, “I hope you understand that there’s no way I’m going to do that right now” and she was like “Well you could get whooping cough and then you’ll cough for six weeks straight” and I was like “That sounds way better than my life right now.”
Regardless: Thank you to the many of you who called, emailed, texted, Twittered and Facebooked with your well wishes and with your own stories of diabetes. It meant a great deal to me.
I sincerely wish that my pre-diabetes was the heaviest thing on my mind these days.
And then because God wanted my week to get a little shittier, Leo and I got stuck in the elevator in my apartment building (second time this month) and when the technician finally showed up to fix it, he shouted through the elevator door, “Are you stuck in there?” Like, no, I just pressed the panic button and had a five-minute conversation with the operator because I’m old and lonely. “Yes. I’m stuck.” And then, immediately after, came this mind-boggling question: “Were you bouncing in there?”
This is the point at which I lost my shit.
I screamed at him “NO I WAS NOT FUCKING BOUNCING IN HERE. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE BOUNCING IN HERE? I walked into the elevator and I pressed the button and the door closed and then the elevator wouldn’t move and the door OF YOUR ELEVATOR wouldn’t open. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE BOUNCING? BOUNCING? What the fuck’s wrong with you?”
Sigh. When he finally got me out, he was like, “I’m sorry you got upset with me. Last time I was here it was three drunk guys and they’d been jumping in there.”
I was like “I was not jumping. Wasn’t bouncing either.”
And he was like, “Yes, that’s obvious now.”
I was like “Your elevators fucking suck. They do this all the time.”
He nodded and was like, “Yeah, yeah. They do.”
I feel like I must be going through a huge emotional growth period right now, like God has all these lessons he wants me to learn right now. But it’s happening so fast, and so many things are causing me fear and discomfort, and I can’t parse out what the lesson is or what the lessons are. I don’t understand where I’m being guided or what I need to internalize before all of this can end. Because I know from experience with my God that this shit WILL NOT STOP until I’ve accepted whatever it is I’m supposed to accept. This could take awhile. For now, I’m going to bed. Hopefully I will see you all like 12 hours from now.
