… because I’m never going to sleep. Red Bull count tonight was three. I need to get my Red Bull problem under control. :)
Fourth of July is hard for me, for a lot of reasons, most (no, all) of which I don’t feel like getting into. But it’s a really, really hard day for me. I thought I was doing okay this year, I was fine leading up to it, and then on Friday (July 3), I kind of had a little (no, full-blown) break-down. Just sobbing my eyes out, harder than I’ve cried in a long time. Luckily I have amazing friends who were immediately by my side to comfort me while I cried, and who called repeatedly this (Saturday) morning to check up on me. I’m so freakishly blessed in the friend arena. I felt very loved, I felt like I mattered to someone, and that helped a lot. It’s just upsetting, because every Fourth of July I think I’m gonna do a little bit better, and I really thought this year I was gonna keep my shit together, so it was discouraging to find myself a sobbing pile on the floor once again. It’s, like, when is my body going to be prepared to handle this time of year? Will it ever happen? Last year, I swore I’d be out of the country this time of year, but last year it also looked like I would be able to afford to be out of the country this time of year. Not so. But NEXT YEAR: FOURTH OF JULY IN CROATIA!
I woke up today feeling drained and a little shaky, but with less of the heaviness in my heart. Still: It felt like it was going to be a pretty rough day. It was really bright and hot today, which is exactly what I didn’t want, so I went and hid out in a movie theater for awhile. That was a nice break, but of course once I was out in the real world again I got sad. Fortunately, my friends had “suggested” that I host the Fourth of July party this year, which they did because they knew it would force me to interact with the world instead of sobbing in my bathroom while the fireworks went off. My friends know me so well. And it was absolutely the best idea ever. We had the greatest group of girls (and one boy!) come over, and I smiled the whole time. We rocked out in my apartment playing Guitar Hero for awhile, then went up to my apartment’s deck for the fireworks.
My complex really went all-out for the Fourth of July party this year. They had a DJ, kegs, a full BBQ spread, and probably about 300 people crammed onto that roof deck. Which was nothing compared to how many boats there were in Lake Union or how many people there were at Gasworks Park. From our vantage point, Gasworks Park looked like a giant mound of humans. You couldn’t see a speck of grass. Just people and blankets every square inch. I was SO GLAD I wasn’t out there. What a headache. We had a better view of the fireworks from my place, IMHO.
As they prepared to start the fireworks, all the boats out on Lake Union put out blue and red lights and started honking their horns. It was quite a sight. I almost teared up. My camera wasn’t taking very good pics of it, but my friend’s boyfriend is an amazing photographer and he got some stunning photos, and I’ll post those as soon as I get them from him.
Some drunk chick from my complex grabbed the mic from the DJ and said she was going to sing the blues and then proceeded to sing the Star Spangled Banner. Well, she sang some of it. She missed a verse or so, but it was a valiant effort. The fireworks show started, and someone on the deck started a “U-S-A” chant, which caught on for a little while. All in all, it was just a really energizing and exciting experience to be up there with so many people — standing next to some of my best friends in the world — experiencing a gorgeous fireworks show over a gorgeous lake to celebrate a country to whom, after everything, I am still singularly loyal. And the day after Sarah Palin committed political suicide because we’d all just been TOO MEAN to her?! Is there a greater victory possible in a free democracy? I think not.
In fact, the night was absolutely perfect. I was grinning ear to ear. I just felt so incredibly blessed that, after being in Seattle less than two years, I have friends in my life who can do so much to make me feel better. And who are willing to do those things. In fact, I probably do everything imaginable to make it impossible for these people to bond with me — I’m isolationist by default — and yet somehow they have managed to worm their way into my heart, and they show up when I need them most. Blessed, blessed, blessed, that is I.
Happy Fourth of July, bitches. Thank you, Thomas Jefferson. Thank you, George Washington. Thank you, Ben Franklin. Thank you, James Madison and Alexander Hamilton and John Adams. And a final heartfelt thank-you to the troops, past and present, who defend and preserve the country I love unconditionally.
PS: Leo loves his country too:
