I didn’t get out of bed this morning until 10:45, and that was only because my CPA called. I didn’t answer, I was still in sleepy-state. When it’s nearly 11 am and I feel like my body physically can’t get itself out of bed, I know it’s going to be a bad day. And it was just fire after fire to put out today. Talked to my CPA later in the day. We’re gonna have to file an extension on my taxes. I owe more than I can pay right now. And that’s fine, and it’s humbling, and it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. I’ll definitely be able to pay it by the end of the extension, and I’m not going to go to jail or get my dog repossessed. It’s fine. It’s just stressful.
Then we had all sorts of crises with PayPal, which is the service I use to pay my writers. NEVER AGAIN. I managed to fuck up the payment for two of them this month — one issue was my fault and the other issue was PayPal’s fault — and it’s a pain in their ass, and it makes me feel horrible. I feel like I have hired the absolute most perfect writers on the planet for their jobs. They are little godsends, each of them. I want them to feel appreciated, and I want them to feel like they can trust me as a manager and that they can trust that they’re going to get paid when they’re supposed to, in the correct amount. When I don’t make that happen I feel just terrible and I feel like I’ve betrayed their trust. It sucks.
On top of it I just feel like shit today. So exhausted. I’m still eating vegan, but maybe had more sugar than I should have. I tried praying a bunch this morning to center myself but it didn’t help. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m trying not to have a panic attack over it. I’m supposed to play volleyball tonight, but every cell in my body feels like it can’t be athletic tonight. If I don’t go, though, I’ll be disappointing my teammates, and I’ll feel guilty. Am I just going to disappoint everybody today?
Here’s the good news: I got the absolute sweetest email from my friend Lexie, whose diabetes site, IRunOnInsulin.com, I plugged on Evil Beet yesterday. She got a lot of traffic and a lot of supportive emails as a result. I feel like what Lexie’s doing in the diabetes community is extremely important — she’s speaking out about the ins and outs of living with a disease that’s not talked about much. Lord knows I know a thing or two about that. I helped her get the site set up and I’m all too happy to do what I can to publicize it. “You have given me an invaluable gift,” she wrote, “and I do not know how to put into words how much I appreciate all you have done and continue to do for me. You have a heart of gold, and I hope you know how much I thank you for it.”
Thank you, Lexie. That was good to hear. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that what I write on Evil Beet is a voice. It’s a character I’ve created to write about gossip. It’s not me. In my actual personal relationships, I am a good friend and a good person, and I give of myself, my time and my money as much as I can. Someone in the comments on Evil Beet recently said I was “money-grubbing.” That upset me. I love my job, and my company, and I love writing, and I love creating forums for people to write and talk and discuss and share ideas. I’ve done well financially as a result of that passion. The money followed the passion. None of this was ever done to make me rich or famous; frankly, I think that’s why it’s been so successful. I donate a lot of my income. I pay my writers fairly, sometimes more than fairly. I give of my time. I do everything I can to help advance causes and charities I feel are important. I am not money-grubbing. It’s not how I keep score, not at all. But I was upset to be perceived that way. So it was really good to get that email from Lexie and be reminded that there’s a lot more to me that the average reader sees. People who actually know me can see that I do make a difference in people’s lives, for the better. I’m not actually evil. I have to remember that.
