My mother and sister are visiting, and so far the visit has been totally awesome, although it’s only been half a day. But, man, it is such a blessing to have people around all the time so that I don’t get stuck in my own head. Because that’s where bad things happen. Being lifted out of my head just by having them around to talk to has just been such a miracle cure for me. Well, not a miracle cure, but I feel a lot better. I think it would be great to live somewhere with a lot of roommates, and I’d totally do that if it weren’t for the fact that NO ONE wants a roommate PLUS her three cats and yippy dog. Otherwise I’d just move my ass into a frat house. I’d get laid every night and I’d never be left alone with my thoughts. Hm. I may be onto something here.
My mom and I were sitting at the airport, waiting for my sister’s flight to get in, and I was still really raw emotionally from being up all night and in my head. If you don’t live with some manner of depression, it’s hard to describe how torturous that type of experience is. It even becomes a physical pain, really. It’s just so horrible, and then the next day you have to deal with the residue of eight hours of emotional rape, plus the sleeplessness, and it really feels like the worst vodka hangover ever times ten. And I was talking to my mom about whether I have depression or bipolar II or whatever and I was thinking about how I’ve just been obsessed my whole life with this thing that’s wrong with me that makes me get stuck in a brain that’s just so mean to me over and over and over again and finally I asked my mom, “What about people who don’t have this disease? Do they just not get sad? Do they not get as sad as I do, ever? What’s wrong with them? And how is that fair?” My mom was like, “They get sad, sure, but they don’t let those feelings control them. They don’t get stuck in the feeling like you do. They feel it and they let it go.” And I was like, “Why do their lives get to be so perfect while I’m stuck in this cycling depression that takes over my life for a few months out of each year?” And she was like, “We all have our battles in this life. Nobody gets off easy. We all have something we’re fighting. People probably look at you and think that your life’s perfect and all you have to deal with is feeling sad every now and then.”
So, okay, readers who are not depressive or bipolar: What are your problems? What are the battles you fight? How do you cope with sadness? How does sadness feel to you? How does it start and how does it pass? Fill me in here, normal folk.
