Today was actually a pretty good day. Now that it’s late and I’m home and alone the crazy anxiety is coming back, but generally today worked out very well. I had brunch with Emily, then ran some errands and got some work done, then went out to see The International with Emily and my other friend Gillian. It was a decent movie, I guess, but Naomi Watts’ character was really poorly written. I hate it when men write female characters as “women” and not as actual human beings who happen to have a vagina. It didn’t help that Naomi did an especially poor job in the role (in her defense, she was hopelessly miscast), and seriously there has to be a Botox middle ground between Nicole Kidman and her BFF Naomi. I’m not all about having your face froze, but Naomi, honey, WAY too many wrinkles for the big screen. The other thing that bugs me about Naomi is she totally has those little jowl bulges that women get when they’ve been bulimic forever. I’m such a pro at spotting them now. My dad’s work as a physician specialized in eating disorders for a long time, so he can spot that shit a mile away, and sometimes when I’m watching a movie or TV show with him, he’ll say something like, “Pretty girl. Too bad she’s always throwing up,” and so I learned how to spot it. And Naomi has it BIG TIME.
Oh and then the other funny thing about the movie is that it’s largely dialogue-driven (and the score was fantastic, BTW), but then all of a sudden, kind of out of nowhere, there’s this gigantic shoot-out at the Guggenheim with like a dozen people with automatic weapons and everyone dies this uber-bloody death, with blood gurgling out of people’s throats and shit. We just started laughing, although I don’t think it was supposed to be funny.
Afterward we all went and got dinner and just talked about the shit that’s going on in our lives. It’s always good for me to sit down and really talk with my girlfriends, because then I remember that they have problems too, and their problems are a lot like mine, and it makes me feel less alone. I think it makes me feel less punished. Like, “Oh, okay. I’m not the only human being doomed to problems and worries and insecurities. I’m not the only person who’s had their feelings hurt this week. This is the Human Experience, not the Smiting of Sasha.”
I really do have a good lot in life, and I really have worked hard and accomplished a lot. In a lot of ways, I really do have my shit together. Plus I have a ton of amazing friends — sometimes I’m just blown away by how incredibly fortunate I am in that department. I’ll just think to myself, “Why are they being so sweet to me? Why are they going out of their way for me?” But then when I objectively look at it, that’s how I am for them, too. I’ll go to the ends of the earth for my friends, and I always want to do things to make them happy. So maybe I do deserve to have awesome friends, even though sometimes I feel like I don’t. I have so much in this world to be grateful for. I really do have it very, very good. I just need to be able to internalize that gratitude, to feel it in my body instead of think it in my head. There’s a disconnect there, and it broadens every day.
I’m rambling. It’s just easier to be writing than to be alone in my head. I have a rough time in the evenings. But when I think about how I was feeling on the Saturday night a week ago, when I’d just gotten back from Arizona, I get chills. It was so awful. I can’t even believe how much pain I was in, how shaky the world felt, what a free-fall it was. I couldn’t find a foothold. I can’t believe that was me, that I went through that, and that I survived it. Tonight isn’t fun, but I’ve made a lot of progress in just a week. I can sit in my body tonight and be kinda-sorta okay. I’m still not firmly planted anywhere, but I’ve got a loose grip now. It’s better.
Now I’m going to try to go to bed before I call my second-grade teacher and invite her to brunch.
