Boo-yah, motherfuckers!
I’m back!
I was normal ALL DAY today. I’m still on some high doses of the meds, so I’m a little sleepy all day, but I’m totally cool with that because it is ALL ME living in my head right now. No evil little monsters. No static. No buzzzzzzz. I look back on this past couple of weeks, and read some of my past blog entries, and that is just not at all how I feel anymore. That’s another person back there. I recognize her, but she’s not me. It all just feels like one big blurry nightmare. It was horrible. I don’t even wanna think about it any more.
And you know what’s weird? The doc I saw yesterday, who I love, told me that for now I should be doubling up on a certain one of my meds. I did it last night and I think it’s a big part of why I felt so good today. And tonight before I took my shower, I was taking my meds, and I was like, “Ohhh, those make me really sleepy, and I’m doing well, so I only need to take one tonight, I think.” So I only took one. Then I got out of the shower and I was like, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN.” So then I took the second one. But SERIOUSLY. This is the way my mind works. It cannot be trusted. I need to, like, hire someone to come every night and dose out my meds to me, like they do in the hospital. It’s seriously insane. My brain just talks itself right out of taking the correct meds in the correct doses. It’s truly insidious — it’s a sneaky little bastard, that brain of mine, and it doesn’t always have my best interest in mind. I’m not sure what to do about it.
But I had a lovely day. For the first time in what feels like ages, I woke up without any buzzing in my head or in my body. I checked for it repeatedly, but it wasn’t there. I met two of my high school friends for lunch, and one of them brought her 16-month-old daughter, who is precious and beautiful. Sometimes I have a kind of strange laugh, it’s like, “Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha.” And I laughed like that, and then right after I finished the little baby mimicked me. She laughed just like I did! Her mom was like, “She’s already figured out who the cool kid is, I guess.” Tee hee. Afterward, I got a much-needed mani/pedi. My toes and fingernails were disgusting. I feel much more put-together now.
I spent a quiet Friday evening at home with my dad, eating take-out and watching movies. No buzzing. No crazy. No staring at the clock waiting until it was time for me to take my Ambien to shut everything off. What a relief.
The sheer number of emails and Facebook messages I’ve received this week from total strangers is overwhelming. They just flooded in. Many of them were really long, and I promise you that if you sent one, I read and appreciated every word of it. I loved getting each of them; they were like little gems of hope to me. It’s incredible how total strangers poured their hearts out and wished me nothing but the best. There’s some good in this here human race, I’ll tell ya that.
And here’s the thing, and it’s the thing that occurs to me every single time this happens — it doesn’t last forever. I don’t feel like that forever. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but it always passes — the roar of that evil little monster fades into a whimper, he retreats back into his cave, and I enjoy life again. I feel hopeful again. I feel like life is an experience I can walk through with grace and with joy. But damn it is really hard to remember that when you’re in the middle of it. Even when you do remember it, it’s still hard to be willing to hang in there and wait it out. I’m always glad I did, though, and I hope that’s a message I can carry to other people who live with this illness or, really, who are having a rough time for any reason. It doesn’t feel this way forever. I promise.
