No, I still don’t have a kid. We’ll get to that.

I’m just checking in to let you guys know I’m doing great today. I went back on a dairy-free, low-sugar vegetarian diet, and I can feel results physically almost immediately. I feel more solidly inhabiting my body than I have in a long time. You are what you eat, I suppose. Honestly the difference is like night and day to just get dairy out of my diet. I never should have added it back in. I don’t care how good cheese is. Totally wasn’t worth it.

For the first time in ages, I woke up at a decent hour, around 8 am. I did a little bit of work and then headed out to the nail salon to get my fake nails taken off. There is a very simple way to determine whether or not I’m in a crazy period: If I’m wearing fake nails, I’m probably in a crazy period. When I was younger, the way to tell was that my hair was bleached when I was crazy, then I’d darken it when I got sane again. I’ve stopped doing that. Now it’s the nails. I needed them off. They interrupt the flow between my brain and the keyboard. I never feel like I can effectively express myself through the written word when I have those damn nails on. And, ya know, that’s basically the only way I express myself, so it’s kind of important.

I headed off to the office, where I got to sit in on the Film.com podcast with Laremy, Garrett and Natalie as their special guest today, and that was a lot of fun. They wanted to talk about celebrities. I told them I was sick of celebrities and I wanted to talk about politics. And we actually did. So I have no idea how they’ll edit it or what they’ll use from it. I’m a little nervous to find out, but if I approve I’ll definitely post the link for you guys to check out.

My friend Candice called around 2 pm to say that her sitter had the flu and she had an important work meeting tonight and was there any way I could come by and look after Audrey? I was like, “Hell yeah!” By the time I finished work and got to her house it was 5:30, and she had to leave at 5:45, so I got a 15-minute crash course in taking care of Audrey, and then I had her alone for the next 2.5 hours. I did EVERYTHING. I gave her a bottle, I burped her, I changed her diaper, I cleaned her little butt, I changed her pajamas, I took her for a little walk and I got her to sleep by the time Candice got home. But OMG I have never been that exhausted by ANYTHING. Babies need CONSTANT attention. It is unbelievable how something that small can be that demanding. But Audrey and I had fun — we sang show tunes and theme songs and then watched Bad Girls Club. Actually, I did all those things. Audrey occasionally burped. And here is another thing — in just those couple of hours, I learned to do a lot of things with one hand that I always assumed required two. But I fixed Audrey’s bottle and made myself a sandwich and a lemonade and peeled an orange all while holding Audrey over my shoulder. So Audrey required one hand, and I did all those other things with the other. How do you make an entire peanut-butter sandwich with one hand? I don’t know, but I did it. I also don’t need to work out at all again this week. Carrying a baby around for a couple of hours is the hardest workout ever. Mothering is TOUGH WORK. Still. I’m really excited to get to do it. I loved taking care of Audrey.

Sheesh. I’m soooo tired right now. And I still have a shitload of work to get done. But I’m so, so grateful to feel solidly on the planet again, finally. Today was my best day in at least a month. So, so, so grateful. I hope it stays.

A friend of mine sat me down today. “Are you seeing a therapist?” she asked.

“Yes, I am,” I told her. “I just started with him last week, but so far I really like him.”

“Oh, okay, that’s good. Because, you know, I hate to meddle in other people’s lives, but, from what I’ve read on your blog, I thought that my therapist could really help you. I think really highly of him. He specializes in cases like you. But if you’ve found someone you like, definitely stick with him.”

We continued talking about everything and nothing for awhile, and finally I was like, “Out of curiosity, in case this one doesn’t work out, who were you going to recommend?”

The name she gave?

Dr. Wiggles 2.0.

I knew, instants before it came out of her mouth, that she was going to say his name.

Of course, she gave his real name, but I was like “No way! That’s the guy I’m already seeing!!!” She was like, “Oh my gosh, girl, I’m so glad. He’s just the best. He’s perfect for your needs. He’ll help you so much.”

And, here’s the thing, is that this girl wasn’t lying when she said she doesn’t like to meddle in other people’s lives. She’s not a meddler. I’m sure she thought long and hard before even broaching this topic with me, and she must have felt it was a valuable enough recommendation that it was worth potentially being viewed as a “meddler.” (I did not perceive it that way at all.) But this made me very happy! What a fascinating coincidence. The universe is whispering to me.

I’m feeling much better tonight, much more grounded. I came home and gave my house a good solid cleaning, created some order, then spent the evening with friends. I vented a lot and got a lot off my chest. Said a lot of things that I didn’t want to say, but that had to be verbalized if these things are going to heal.

My mother called after she read my blog earlier in the day. “What you’re describing to me sounds like physiological symptoms. It sounds like you had some physiological symptoms and it set off a small panic attack. Did you eat a lot of dairy and sugar yesterday?”

I thought about it, and YES, I consumed WAY MORE dairy and sugar yesterday than usual. I had scrambled eggs at brunch and like 3 glasses of orange juice — I rarely eat eggs or sugary drinks — and then at that dinner party I had deviled eggs and ice cream and lots of sugar.

My mom suggested I ditch the dairy and sugar for a week and see how I feel. And I remember how amazing I felt when I was eating a pure vegan diet. That was the steadiest my moods have ever been. I’m still vegetarian, but I do eat dairy products now. I missed cheese too much, but cheese isn’t worth this! So I’m going to go back to pure vegan, effective immediately. And I’ll cut out most sugars, too. See if that makes a difference.

I’m shaky today. Not depressed, just shaky. Disconnected from reality. This is what I mean when I say I go away. I’m not firmly here. Shaky. Different kind of buzzing. Quiet, tighter and broader wavelengths, overlapping. It’s a mess in there. Having trouble finding words. Having trouble getting them out, stuttering, like I’m hungover, but I wasn’t drinking last night. Told a friend an hour ago that my nails were “all growed out.” She looked at me like I was crazy. “Grown, Sasha. They’re all grown out.”

The emails you guys send me break my heart. Sometimes bring me to tears. So many of you have gone through this quietly, without speaking, without asking for help.

Speak.

Woot woot!

Today was awesome! I was a little drained by the meds, but I crawled out of bed around 10:30 and met my friend Candice for what is becoming our bi-weekly dog park excursion. We always take Leo, her two dogs, and her baby Audrey, who is now a whopping 11 months old! Sometimes her husband comes, too, but usually it’s just us girls. There’s a fantastic, huge off-leash dog park in Redmond, and we just walk the entire loop around it and chat about life and play with Audrey. I’ve never had a baby who I see with this level of frequency. It is so much fun to watch her grow! Every week she’s a little bigger, a little more engaged with the world. Today she could totally look me in the eye, hold eye contact, and smile.

Candice has to go back to work full-time soon, and she’s worried about what she’s going to do with Audrey on the days that she and her husband are working the same hours. I was like, “Well, I mean, I know I don’t have a lot of experience with babies, but I’m willing to help out in a pinch.” I thought for sure she’d be like, “Oh, no, thanks, but, yeah, you know nothing about babies.” Instead she was like, “Why don’t you come over to my house for a couple hours and I’ll teach you how to do everything, and then you can babysit.” I know it seems like a simple thing, but I was just so honored that someone would find me trustworthy enough to take care of such a small baby. Not that there’s any reason I’m not trustworthy, but, still. It felt huge to be trusted like that. Like I’m finally a grown woman or something. I’m so excited to get to help with Audrey! I love being helpful!

After the park, I met up with my friends Gillian and Katherine for brunch. The service was horrific, but the food was delish. Katherine and I have had totally opposite schedules lately, so it was the first time I’d really gotten to chat with her in months. She’s so awesome. She always makes me laugh, and she’s one of those people who really just makes me feel less alone in this world.

I came home and vegged for awhile, and then my friend Joyce texted me to say she was having some people over for dinner. Joyce and I were set up on a “friend date” a few months ago by one of my girlfriends from high school, who went to college with Joyce, realized we both lived in Seattle, and realized that we’d adore each other. I’d never met any of her other friends, but she had a perfect-sized group of people over, just the right amount for a great dinner party, and I ended up really loving everyone there. They all had fascinating life stories and experiences, they were all very smart and funny, and I ended up staying until past 10 pm. Joyce has traveled the world as an anthropologist, and her apartment just has the absolute coolest decorations. She had a print on the wall from some artist in New York — she told me her name, Mayra Something, but I forget it now — and it was just brilliant. I need to email her and find out all of what it said, but I remember this line, handwritten: “I happen to exist. End of discussion.”

Brilliant, right?

I happen to exist. End of discussion.

Here’s what I’ve noticed: I am quietly becoming one of the strongest people I know. It wasn’t until just a couple years ago that I was even open to the possibility that I was a strong person. I thought I was the antithesis. I thought I was fragile, breakable, small. I recall sobbing on the phone to my mother after a boyfriend broke up with me about three years ago. “I can’t do this, Mom,” I said. “I can’t go back into the world alone. I’m not strong enough.” My mother said simply, “Yes, you are. You are stronger than you know, much stronger.” I didn’t believe her, but right then I became open to believing her. I became open to the idea that I might have strength.

I’ve been single since that break-up, and I’ve been through a lot in that time. I’ve been through a lot in my life, having battled mental illness since I was a young teenager. And what I’ve noticed is that every time I go through a really rough period, a time that I don’t know how I’ll survive, that I don’t really think I can live through, something inside me steels. I always survive. Sometimes I look back on it and I don’t know how I survived, but I did. I went into battle mode, and I fought. And I can feel it when I come out of it. I can feel my insides, like an outline of my chest cavity and my spine and my neck, turn hard, like metal. Like armor. Like I’m a little bit stronger this time. Like I’m prepared for the next one, prepared for anything. And what I can see now is that I’ve become a little soldier underneath my skin. I am malleable and I am brave and I am tough.

I happen to exist.

End of discussion.

Today was actually a pretty good day. Now that it’s late and I’m home and alone the crazy anxiety is coming back, but generally today worked out very well. I had brunch with Emily, then ran some errands and got some work done, then went out to see The International with Emily and my other friend Gillian. It was a decent movie, I guess, but Naomi Watts’ character was really poorly written. I hate it when men write female characters as “women” and not as actual human beings who happen to have a vagina. It didn’t help that Naomi did an especially poor job in the role (in her defense, she was hopelessly miscast), and seriously there has to be a Botox middle ground between Nicole Kidman and her BFF Naomi. I’m not all about having your face froze, but Naomi, honey, WAY too many wrinkles for the big screen. The other thing that bugs me about Naomi is she totally has those little jowl bulges that women get when they’ve been bulimic forever. I’m such a pro at spotting them now. My dad’s work as a physician specialized in eating disorders for a long time, so he can spot that shit a mile away, and sometimes when I’m watching a movie or TV show with him, he’ll say something like, “Pretty girl. Too bad she’s always throwing up,” and so I learned how to spot it. And Naomi has it BIG TIME.

Oh and then the other funny thing about the movie is that it’s largely dialogue-driven (and the score was fantastic, BTW), but then all of a sudden, kind of out of nowhere, there’s this gigantic shoot-out at the Guggenheim with like a dozen people with automatic weapons and everyone dies this uber-bloody death, with blood gurgling out of people’s throats and shit. We just started laughing, although I don’t think it was supposed to be funny.

Afterward we all went and got dinner and just talked about the shit that’s going on in our lives. It’s always good for me to sit down and really talk with my girlfriends, because then I remember that they have problems too, and their problems are a lot like mine, and it makes me feel less alone. I think it makes me feel less punished. Like, “Oh, okay. I’m not the only human being doomed to problems and worries and insecurities. I’m not the only person who’s had their feelings hurt this week. This is the Human Experience, not the Smiting of Sasha.”

I really do have a good lot in life, and I really have worked hard and accomplished a lot. In a lot of ways, I really do have my shit together. Plus I have a ton of amazing friends — sometimes I’m just blown away by how incredibly fortunate I am in that department. I’ll just think to myself, “Why are they being so sweet to me? Why are they going out of their way for me?” But then when I objectively look at it, that’s how I am for them, too. I’ll go to the ends of the earth for my friends, and I always want to do things to make them happy. So maybe I do deserve to have awesome friends, even though sometimes I feel like I don’t. I have so much in this world to be grateful for. I really do have it very, very good. I just need to be able to internalize that gratitude, to feel it in my body instead of think it in my head. There’s a disconnect there, and it broadens every day.

I’m rambling. It’s just easier to be writing than to be alone in my head. I have a rough time in the evenings. But when I think about how I was feeling on the Saturday night a week ago, when I’d just gotten back from Arizona, I get chills. It was so awful. I can’t even believe how much pain I was in, how shaky the world felt, what a free-fall it was. I couldn’t find a foothold. I can’t believe that was me, that I went through that, and that I survived it. Tonight isn’t fun, but I’ve made a lot of progress in just a week. I can sit in my body tonight and be kinda-sorta okay. I’m still not firmly planted anywhere, but I’ve got a loose grip now. It’s better.

Now I’m going to try to go to bed before I call my second-grade teacher and invite her to brunch.

I wake up this morning to find that my friend Emily had called an hour earlier. I check the voicemail she left. This is what it says: “Hi there! Got your message. Yeah, I’m doing fine, just a little tired right now. But yes I would LOVE to do brunch today! Say noonish? Looking forward to it!”

Here is my thought process: “That is so funny. I never called Emily to invite her to brunch. Has she gone crazy? No, she probably mis-dialed. I’m sure she’s realized her mistake by now.” I go back to sleep.

Then around noon I get a text from Emily: “We still on for brunch?”

She’s really gone crazy! So strange. I check my outgoing calls from last night to make absolutely sure that I didn’t call Emily. And guess what? I did call Emily. 10:30 pm. I. Called. Emily. I thought I was asleep by 10:30 pm!

I think this was my very first Ambien blackout, you guys. I’ve heard of them before, but I’ve never been a victim of one. I think it was because my period started yesterday. I’m serious. Plus I didn’t have that much to eat yesterday — I haven’t really had an appetite lately. But you know how the absolute worst time to drink alcohol is when you’re starting your period and you haven’t eaten much? Because you’ll definitely black out? I think the same applies to Ambien! I really think I blacked out because I was on my period. I remember in my younger days when I partied, I always had to be really careful around the start of my period because alcohol affected me so much stronger then. Weeeeird how Ambien is the same.

Anyway. Thank goodness Emily saw the humor in the situation. We ended up doing brunch at 1! And it was fab! And we’re seeing a movie tonight! So thank you, Ambien-Blackout Sasha, for making such awesome plans for me today!