Today, January 22, is the day Heath Ledger passed away last year.

It was also a very difficult day in my life last year, for reasons I’ve never discussed on this blog and probably never will. The day before was even rougher. I didn’t put any of it together until I saw just a few minutes ago that today was the anniversary of Heath’s death. I remember, as all this shit was going down in my own life last year, getting a text message from a friend: “Heath Ledger died today.” I didn’t believe her. She sent me a TMZ link.

I can’t believe it’s already been a year.

And I can’t believe it’s only been a year.

Someday I’ll write a book and you’ll all get the rest of the story.

I think it helps explain why yesterday was so difficult for me. I felt much better today. In fairness, though, I did double the dose of my anti-anxiety drugs last night.

I also hired someone new for Evil Beet. I adore her writing style; I think it’s charismatic and engaging, and if she proves to be even a fraction as talented and useful as Wendie, I’ll be delighted. The awful part about hiring someone new, though, is all the people you don’t get to hire: people who are also very talented and likable and hard-working. I wished I could hire them all. I’ve been sick to my stomach all week over the fact that I could only hire one person. I have a new respect for the bosses who had to lay people off this past quarter or two. I didn’t have to lay anyone off — I just had to not give people a job they applied for. People I’ve never even met in real life! Not people I’ve been working side by side with for years. I cannot even imagine how hard that is for any warm-blooded person to do. I’d spent all these months feeling sad for the people who got laid off, but I’m sure that there was also a lot of pain for the people who had to lay them off. Ya know, to the CEO they’re just numbers, but to a human being who has to deliver the news, I bet it is nauseating.

I don’t have much to write today because I have been having the worst stress headaches and nausea all day. I also didn’t get to watch hardly any of the inauguration stuff because there’s no television at my dad’s house and his Internet sucks (the Cox guy came and fixed it today, but later in the day). So I’m just feeling really disconnected from the rest of the country right now and also very ill and anxious, and all the Tylenol and anti-anxiety meds and prayer and meditation in the world aren’t even making a dent in it, and it just really sucks. I hate just sitting in it when I feel like this. I want it fixed.

I feel like this time of year is hard for me, and I honestly have no idea why. It was around this same time last year that I started having really bad anxiety attacks and had to be hospitalized and just basically went crazy and detached from reality. I don’t think it’ll happen that bad this year because I think the meds will prevent a full-on breakdown, but still. I definitely feel the crazy coming on, and it SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. I don’t even understand why. Something about late January, I guess. I know everyone’s gonna say I have seasonal affective disorder, but I’m in Arizona. It’s sunny and bright here even in January, and I was in LA when my breakdown happened last year. These are not dark and rainy climates. I really don’t understand why I’m feeling like this, and I hate not having answers.

I know that there are many problems in our world, but I think that you should all join me in urging President Obama to do something about the fucking cable companies before he even looks at Israel or welfare or alternative fuels.

This is a serious issue.

The cable internet at my dad’s house sucks. It has sucked for a very long time. Like, basically every single time I have been here this year. For most people, this would be a minor inconvenience. When your job takes place entirely on the Internet, it is a major, major headache. Every time I am here, I end up calling Cox cable like 8 or 9 times to ask them to reset the modem or please please please try to fix this. They always do some shit that fixes it for an hour, and then it’s back to shitty.

Today, I went and bought my dad a new wireless router, thinking maybe the router was the problem. I had quite the time setting it up because even the LAN connection wasn’t working, and I called Cox to resolve that, and they did their magic, and the connection worked for an hour, and then it failed.

Finally, I called them up for the gazillionth time and was like, “Listen. I really think there is a major issue on your end. You need to give us a new modem.” And the guy on the other end is like, “Yeah, your modem model has been retired for awhile. We’ll send someone out to put in a new one tomorrow.”

OH. MY. GOD.

In the EIGHT BILLION times I have talked to Cox cable this year to trouble-shoot this internet connection, NEVER has anybody said, “You should know that your modem has been retired by Cox.” It wasn’t until I specifically said “I need a new modem” that they were willing to admit that I needed a new modem.

OH. MY. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD.

And the worst part about all this is that I can’t be like, “Fuck you guys, I’m switching my dad to another provider.” There is no other provider. I was like, “Dad, this is un-American! I feel like I’m in a third-world country with this horrible deceptive service! I feel like I’m somewhere that pirates come from!” And my dad was like, “Well, honey, what are you gonna do? Link my house to a satellite?”

PRESIDENT OBAMA!

THIS IS A MAJOR NATIONAL CRISIS!

THE CABLE MONOPOLIES MUST BE DISSOLVED!

WE NEED NEED NEEEEEED COMPETITION IN THIS SPACE.

Seriously I could not be more pissed about this. How do the assholes who run these things sleep at night? I am rarely someone who calls for an assassination, but I think these cable company people ought to be assassinated, stat!

I thought I had severe dehydration and heat stroke and was dying and needed to go to the hospital, and I told this to my father the physician, who assured me that I was not dying; rather, I had just run 13.1 miles. “My professional recommendation is that you not do that again today.”

After some rest, some Advil, some Diet Coke, and a Cardinals win, I am feeling much, much better. And now that the intense physical pain has subsided, I’m starting to get that rush of pride and accomplishment that I missed at the finish line.

HOORAY!

Gun Start: 8:31:01
Tag Start: 8:59:36
5 Km: 35:07 | 11:19 pace
10 Km: 1:13:46 | 11:53 pace
10.2 Mile: 2:03:13 | 12:20 pace
Finish: 2:43:22 | 12:28
Overall: 14446
Sex: 8184
Division: 1640

Oh, and just for shits and giggles, my kid sister’s:

Gun Start: 8:31:01
Tag Start: 8:43:17
5 Km: 28:50 | 9:17 pace
10 Km: 56:51 | 9:09 pace
10.2 Mile: 1:29:42 | 8:59 pace
Finish: 1:55:36 | 8:50
Overall: 2944
Sex: 976
Division: 197

I also just talked to Tiffany, and they were accidentally in Corral 17, which is why I couldn’t find them! We were all supposed to be in 16! But she and her mom both finished, and her mom was 89th in her age group. Wow!!!

First off: I DID IT! I finished the half-marathon, and I ran the vast majority of the way, although admittedly not all.

Let me give you a quick re-cap of my thoughts during the race:

Mile 3: This is so much fun! I never want this to end!
Mile 10: I want this to end.

That is really all you need to know. But here’s the rest of the story:

I arrived with my sister and her friends (my mom dropped us off) at around 7:15 am. On the ride there, my mom was like, “Sasha, I just want you to know that, if at any point you feel you can’t continue, just borrow a cell phone from somebody on the street and I’ll come get you right away!” I was like, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom, but I’ll see you at the finish line.”

The full marathoners were starting at 7:30, so we watched them start, then we went to the bathroom (the line took like half an hour) and then I tried to find Tiffany and her mom, but I couldn’t find them anywhere. I finally went to my corral and started looking for them there, because we were all supposed to be in the same corral. I walked around that thing 10 times and I couldn’t see them. So I’m still not sure what happened with Tiff. My sister and her friends were in way earlier corrals than I was, so I ended up running the race alone, which was fine, since most of my practice runs have been alone, too.

The race started at 8:30, but they put over a minute between the corrals, so the clock was at around 27 minutes by the time I actually left the start line. It got REALLY hot REALLY quick, and I was glad I’d opted for short Spandex. My dad had to work today, but it worked out that his hospital is right on the race course, around the 3 mile point! So I got to run onto the sidewalk and give him a hug. He was wearing his Team Pasulka shirt. I was so proud.

To be honest, the bands were kind of dumb, and I was grateful I’d brought my MP3 player, but there were SO MANY fans cheering on the sidewalks. There were pretty much people cheerleading along the entire 13.1 miles. And I don’t mean just families — I’m pretty sure every elementary, middle-school and high-school cheerleading team had stations along the way where they did cheers for us and gave us high-fives. The high-fives were awesome. There was something really inspirational about giving these young girls high-fives as I ran past. Like I was setting a positive example for them. It encouraged me to keep going.

Around mile 10, my feet and legs started to hurt really badly, but I realized that it hurt just as bad to walk as it did to run, so I figured I may as well run and get it over with faster. “Just a 5K left,” I kept telling myself. At mile 12 I decided I was going to book it and just kick ass for the last mile, and I swear that last mile took FOREVER. It was never going to be over. But I finally crossed the finish line, and I’d like to say I had an overwhelming rush of pride, but honestly at that point I was just in a daze. I was so dehydrated and sore that I didn’t feel good at all. I just tried to make it to the family reunion area to meet my sister and her friends, but I had to stop and sit down and rest for a bit. I felt so sick.

In my defense, I made a point of stopping at EVERY water station and drinking a Cytomax AND a water — sometimes two waters — but it was really really hot and dry, and I’m still feeling very dehydrated. I don’t know that there’s really any good month in Arizona to have a marathon. It’s just so damn hot — especially for someone who has been training in a cool, damp climate. I made such an effort to stay hydrated, but I just don’t know that there was any good way to do it. When I was done with the race, I noticed that there were actual crystals of salt all over my skin. Under my eyes, on my arms, my neck, my legs. Actual physical salt that you could see if you rubbed your finger on it. That’s how dehydrated I was. And, again, I drank 2-3 glasses of liquid at each and every water stop. I have now showered and washed myself repeatedly, and there is still salt in my belly button that didn’t come out.

I finally found my sister and her friends at the family reunion area, and my sister’s face lit up when she saw me. “You did it!!!” she said, and gave me a big hug, and that made it all worth it. She’d finished the race in under two hours, so she was really proud of herself, and I was proud of her. After that, I basically passed out from dehydration, and my sister went to get me water. I could hardly see straight. It was awful. But I laid down and drank water for about twenty minutes, and by that time my mom had arrived, and I was okay to walk back to the car.

Oh, and I should tell you guys that I finished in around 2:45. I’m not sure of my exact time yet, but I think I started at around 0:28 and I know I finished at 3:11. So, if it had been a full marathon, I would have qualified for Boston, and possibly also the Olympic trials. That is the way I choose to look at it.

The race started in Phoenix and ended in Tempe, at Arizona State, where I went to college. The campus has changed so much in the five years since I left; I hardly recognized any of the buildings. As we drove through campus and back home, I noticed that the area right by ASU has become much more upscale, but the area just east of it — where many of my friends lived and where most of our hangouts were — has become kind of a slum. I mean, it’s just gone so far downhill, and fast. ASU is super fancy and nice now (it was not like that when I was there), but then you get like two blocks east of it and you’re in a bad neighborhood. I don’t know how that happened, or how it fits into the larger economic picture, but it made me really sad. That was my ‘hood. Now it’s just kind of a hood.

Anyway, I’m soooo grateful that I finished the race, and I’m so proud of my sister for her impressive time, and now I am going to drink water and hopefully watch the Cardinals get into the Super Bowl.

Lastly: Thank you all SO MUCH for your support through all this. You guys have been so encouraging and wonderful, and it has helped keep me going, and it’s meant the world to me. I am so fortunate to have these amazing readers. THANK YOU.