I head back to Seattle tomorrow morning. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. It’s just been so nice to hang out here in the sun, spend time with my parents, and just generally enjoy the galaxy of uber-convenience that is Scottsdale, Arizona. Part of me wants to touch down in Seattle, drive to my apartment, put my cats in the car, and turn around and head back here forever.
I was in such a bad place in my life when I moved to Seattle. I just needed to go. It didn’t even matter where. The morning my puppy died — which was like the very last straw after months and months of horrible things happening — I remember being like, “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going.” I’ve always wanted to live in Savannah, Georgia, and I was plotting out the driving route to Savannah when a friend from Seattle called to say he was sorry to hear about my puppy, and I was like, “Hmm, I think I’m gonna go to Seattle,” and I just got in my car that day and DROVE. There was no thought process involved. I just didn’t know what I would do if I had to stay still, so I just drove as far and as fast as I could. I don’t remember much of that day. I know I drove for thirteen hours before I finally stopped at a hotel. The next day I woke up feeling healed somehow, drove through Oregon and made camp in Seattle. And then I didn’t come back to Arizona.
I love Seattle, and I’ve always thought that there was a purpose for me being there, that my puppy had somehow wanted me to be there, that something was going to happen for me there. And lots of things have happened. I got my new puppy, Leo, whom I adore. I quit smoking. I got healthy physically, and I got healthy mentally. I put my life back together after it had fallen so far apart. It was a process more difficult and more involved than I think I’ll ever be able to explain to anyone.
My dad came into my bedroom at his house this morning. “Sasha,” he said, “I know it’s hard to tell people what you’ve been through. I know it’s impossible to explain how much you’ve overcome and what a triumph it is that you are where you are right now. I know no one wants to hear it, and I know you wouldn’t even know how to tell them. But I know. I want you to know that I know, sweetheart. And I’m amazed by you.”
And it just broke my heart. Because it feels so true. And I feel — and I’ve always felt — that if there’s anyone who understands me in this world, it’s my dad. I’ve been through so much, and I’ve been through so much of it with him, and he understands me more than anyone in my life. I can tell he’s really sad that I’m going back to Seattle. He was heart-broken when I left the first time, after Charlie died, and now I’ve been here the better part of the month, and I’m leaving again, and he’s bummed about it, and so am I.
I’m hoping that when I get back to Seattle tomorrow, I’ll remember why I live there. That I’ll be glad to be back. But it just feels that whatever I was waiting to have happen there hasn’t happened, and maybe it never will, and maybe I belong back here in Arizona, with my family. I just don’t know. I’m feeling very confused and very sad tonight. I’m just not sure anymore what I’m going back to Seattle for.
