I’ve been ignoring this blog for the past couple of days, and I’m sorry about that, but I’m getting my life back in order after my vacation and it’s time-consuming. I’m trying to re-establish structure as quickly and as thoroughly as possible.
Also I now have Ambien. I’m so excited. I’m trying it out for the first time tonight. I have high hopes.
I had to go to a shrink today to get all my prescriptions sorted out. My PCP on my new insurance sent me to him because she refused to re-up my anti-depressants and sleep meds without me first getting checked out by a shrink with my health plan. She was like, “I just want to make sure the things I prescribe you don’t interact adversely, and I’m not the expert on that.” So I had this idea in my head that I would waltz into this dude’s office, be like, “‘Sup, I’ve made a list of the drugs I need, you can go ahead and check them for adverse effects and then write me the ’scripts, and I’ll be out of your hair. Thanks for your time!” but instead the son of a bitch wanted to talk about my childhood. About my father and my mother and my history of depression and when was the last time I can remember being happy for an entire two months? An entire month? Was I happy as a child? What was it like at home? Was I ever happy? And what do you know? I cried the whole fucking time. Just couldn’t seem to cry enough.
How am I not over my childhood?
I’m not big on playing the parental blame game. I’m a firm believer in the fact that I’m a grown woman and my decisions and my actions are mine and mine alone, and not to be blamed on anything about my home life as a five-year-old. But whenever someone brings up the topic of my childhood in a clinical setting I cry. And I’m not a big crier. What is it in there that I haven’t dealt with? What about it still strikes such a chord for me? Is it possible that it does impact me today? I have this sinking feeling that it does, in ways I don’t even want to begin to fathom. How do I fix that?
Update: What was the problem again? Because Ambien just fixed it. They should make a daytime version of Ambien and call it Xanax and let me take it all day long with none of their silly doctor “only when you fly” restrictions. Does anybody know of any good online pharmacies that might perhaps take my word for it rather than require a silly prescription? I’ve always been partial to medicine from India anyway. Okay good night now.
