So, yes, I am safely back in Seattle. I got in last night, and it was all kind of a blur because I was heavily drugged from having to be on Scary Airplane, but then I awoke bright and early this morning sober and ready to face the day.

The first thing I did was call my friend Candice, who had her baby girl, Audrey, while I was in Arizona. “WHEN CAN I COME OVER????” I asked, and she was like, “Um, today is fine,” and I was like, “I AM ON MY WAY.” Seriously I was soooo excited to meet little Audrey. I brought her a little pink stuffed bug toy, with these gigantic eyes that I think any baby would love staring at.

I showed up, and Audrey was in her little rocker on the table, and I fell in love with her instantly. She has these gigantic, gorgeous Angelina Jolie lips (you could see they were huge even on the ultra-sound!) and this chin that juts out perfectly and super-long eyelashes and these huge eyes that just scan the room and convey so many expressions. Candice let me hold her, and I just couldn’t stop staring at her. “Wow, I can tell you’re gonna be a great mom,” she said. “You’re glowing just holding Audrey. You’re like an old pro already.” And I felt like an old pro! It just felt so natural to be holding a baby, and then I got to help give her her bottle, and then I burped her, and I helped clean up her pee while we were changing her, and it all just came really naturally. It was like I just instinctively knew what to do. I loved every minute of it.

Sometimes I feel like I didn’t get all the genetic instructions for being a girl — like I really had to work hard to learn to do my hair and my makeup and choose the right clothes and I’m still an awful housekeeper — but I don’t feel that way about motherhood. I think I’ll be a natural at that. And I can’t wait.

Candice doesn’t really have any family in town, and she’s new to the area (we were sorority sisters back at Arizona State) and she hasn’t even had a chance to take the baby announcements to the post office, so I was like, “Look, I am always available to babysit, and why don’t I take the baby announcements to the post office when I leave?” and she was like, “OMG, that would be the biggest help. Thank you!”

So I’m driving away from Candice’s house, and I’m thinking to myself, “Ya know, Sasha, you’ve been spending all this time trying to figure out why God wants you in Seattle — in terms of what’s going to happen for you. But maybe God wants you in Seattle for others.” I mean, what a blessing that I get to be here to help Candice with the baby, right? All her family is in Arizona. I can be of real use to her with this gorgeous baby, and that’s a great reason for being in Seattle.

And I’m thinking these thoughts about how I need to think less selfishly when I see a group of cyclists stopped in the middle of the road huddled around a body on the ground. I pull up beside them. “Is everyone okay?” I ask. “We’re not sure,” they said. Long story short, one of the girls had fallen over hard while making a turn, and she couldn’t walk and was exhibiting signs of a concussion. She and her boyfriend were a long way from home, and she was in a lot of pain. “Put her in my car,” I said, “and toss the bike in the back. I’ll meet you at the hospital.” So I drove this complete stranger to the ER, helped her get inside, locked up her bike, and then took care of Candice’s baby announcements.

It’s funny: Just as I’m getting so obsessed with what’s going to happen for me, God gives me all these opportunities to help others. Life is so interesting like that.

They’re hitting the big time in the U.S. now, with “Untouched,” which is another great song, but I fell in love with this song years ago, when I heard it on Pandora, and it just resonated with every single thing going on in my life at that time.

Anyway, I’m all drugged up in preparation for scary airplane time tomorrow and just rocking out to their new album in a way that I haven’t rocked out to an album since I quit doing drugs in preparation for every day, and then I was like, “What was that song that I was into before anyone in this country had even heard of them?’ And it was this song.

Anyway.

Why can’t they make a drug that makes everything wonderful, like drugs do, but doesn’t have all the other side-effects like where you fuck half the club and total your car and stay up all night for weeks and and steal from your grandparents? Where is that drug?

I head back to Seattle tomorrow morning. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. It’s just been so nice to hang out here in the sun, spend time with my parents, and just generally enjoy the galaxy of uber-convenience that is Scottsdale, Arizona. Part of me wants to touch down in Seattle, drive to my apartment, put my cats in the car, and turn around and head back here forever.

I was in such a bad place in my life when I moved to Seattle. I just needed to go. It didn’t even matter where. The morning my puppy died — which was like the very last straw after months and months of horrible things happening — I remember being like, “I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going.” I’ve always wanted to live in Savannah, Georgia, and I was plotting out the driving route to Savannah when a friend from Seattle called to say he was sorry to hear about my puppy, and I was like, “Hmm, I think I’m gonna go to Seattle,” and I just got in my car that day and DROVE. There was no thought process involved. I just didn’t know what I would do if I had to stay still, so I just drove as far and as fast as I could. I don’t remember much of that day. I know I drove for thirteen hours before I finally stopped at a hotel. The next day I woke up feeling healed somehow, drove through Oregon and made camp in Seattle. And then I didn’t come back to Arizona.

I love Seattle, and I’ve always thought that there was a purpose for me being there, that my puppy had somehow wanted me to be there, that something was going to happen for me there. And lots of things have happened. I got my new puppy, Leo, whom I adore. I quit smoking. I got healthy physically, and I got healthy mentally. I put my life back together after it had fallen so far apart. It was a process more difficult and more involved than I think I’ll ever be able to explain to anyone.

My dad came into my bedroom at his house this morning. “Sasha,” he said, “I know it’s hard to tell people what you’ve been through. I know it’s impossible to explain how much you’ve overcome and what a triumph it is that you are where you are right now. I know no one wants to hear it, and I know you wouldn’t even know how to tell them. But I know. I want you to know that I know, sweetheart. And I’m amazed by you.”

And it just broke my heart. Because it feels so true. And I feel — and I’ve always felt — that if there’s anyone who understands me in this world, it’s my dad. I’ve been through so much, and I’ve been through so much of it with him, and he understands me more than anyone in my life. I can tell he’s really sad that I’m going back to Seattle. He was heart-broken when I left the first time, after Charlie died, and now I’ve been here the better part of the month, and I’m leaving again, and he’s bummed about it, and so am I.

I’m hoping that when I get back to Seattle tomorrow, I’ll remember why I live there. That I’ll be glad to be back. But it just feels that whatever I was waiting to have happen there hasn’t happened, and maybe it never will, and maybe I belong back here in Arizona, with my family. I just don’t know. I’m feeling very confused and very sad tonight. I’m just not sure anymore what I’m going back to Seattle for.

I have finally caved and rented the first season of Battlestar Galactica, which I am enjoying right now with my father, who is happy because we got to watch Hancock first. My dad loves him some Will Smith.

But now I’m trying to watch BSG after taking a whole shitload of (prescription!) drugs and neither my brain nor my eyes are doing a good job at focusing.

What’s this damn show about, anyway?

Can I get the Cliiff Notes?

I know it has, like, an uber-cultish following. Can someone from inside the cult please explain why?

Click here.

(And, yes, it’s safe for work.)

Thanks Marc!

I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and I apologize if I did.

I guess I’m just a Target girl at heart. I really do a ton of my clothes shopping at Target — I’ve posted about it on this blog. It’s not like I buy all my clothes at Nordstrom. In fact, Target has some really great stuff, and a lot of my favorite outfits come from there. I ::heart:: Target. The clothes at Walmart were, like, 100% crappier. I don’t understand why there’s such a discrepancy.

Anyway, like I said, I’m sorry if I offended people. You guys don’t know my whole story, either, and the kind of people who shop at Walmart have saved my life more than once. Some of the most important people in my life come from very, very different socioeconomic backgrounds than I do. I have nothing against those people, and it saddens me terribly that people have to struggle and worry so much to take care of basic needs for their families.

But, like, really? Walmart sucks, you guys.