I end up all alone at 2:13 am with nobody to talk to and nothing I want to do and all of a sudden my usually perfect life feels dark and lonely and hopeless.
I honestly have no idea why I decide to play doctor with stuff like this. The sleeping pills need to be taken by 10 pm if I want a shot at getting to sleep before 2 am. I know this. I have no idea why I waited until midnight tonight. I had a reason at 10 pm, and I had a reason at 11 pm, and then by midnight I’d forgotten my reason and I took the pills, but it was too late.
You’d think I’d do something, like read a book or watch TV. I’ve tried doing both and it just makes it worse. I’m not sure why. I can’t do passive activities when I’m like this. I need to be engaged and interacting. If I leave my brain unattended for even a split second it gets itself into trouble. It’s terrifying to me how, like, almost all day long I am really happy about my life and grateful for everything I have and just generally so content, and then I’m stuck alone at night with my brain for a couple of hours and all of a sudden I can barely breathe I’m so overcome with everything that’s unfair and insufficient and absent in my life. It feels overwhelming and hopeless and almost like it’s not worth living such an empty and difficult existence. Like I’ll never be able to put it all back together when it’s fallen so far apart. I know this to be untrue, but sometimes my mind just devotes every ounce of itself to convincing me otherwise, and it’s hard to hold my ground.
Why does it do that? How? But, mostly, why?
Why is my default setting self-destruct?
