1) Lots and lots of rape jokes.
2) Rape jokes.
3) Gang rape jokes.
4) Bestiality/rape jokes.
5) Gang rape jokes involving your mother.
6) Finally, rape jokes.
Honestly it’s silly that they even call it open mic night. They should just call it “Try Out Your Rape Jokes to See If They Fly” night. Because that’s all that happens.
You know who didn’t make any rape jokes?
The three female comedians, all of whom were disasters. I’ve never in my life thought to myself, “You know, I should do stand-up” — and, for the record, no one’s ever suggested it to me either — but I was sitting there the whole time thinking “You know, I should do stand-up.”
The thought came to me in much the same way that Susan B. Anthony must have thought “You know, I should fight for women’s suffrage.” Not in an “Gee, this is really what I wanna do” sort of way, but more in a “Jesus, someone competent really needs to get off their ass and get this shit done” sort of way. I mean, the place was a sausage fest, and the women who got on stage were a disgrace to comedy. I personally know like 20 women who are way funnier. Women don’t really pursue careers in stand-up, for whatever reason, but I think it’s a lie that women aren’t funny. And the funny women of the world need to unite and make this point clear.
I really think I need to do stand-up comedy.
To back up a little here, I went to open mic night at Comedy Underground tonight, because my friends Ed and Tim were going to be strutting their stuff. Yes, I spent all day being sick in bed, but they’d been talking about this forever and I really wanted to support them — plus, see my post on friends who flake out on shit they said they’d do — so I dragged my ass out of bed and to the show. I’d never been to anything like this before, so I didn’t know what to expect. And after the first comic? I was seriously concerned.
You know how you see those really awful singers auditioning for American Idol and you’re like “How could that person possibly think they’re a good singer?” The first guy was like the American Idol audition of comedy. He was from India, his English was mediocre at best, and I can’t remember a single joke he told. I just remember that it was horrible. Like, almost a caricature of a bad comic, but not enough so to be funny. I kept glancing nervously at my friend Jamie sitting next to me, like, “Holy shit what have we gotten ourselves into?” Thankfully, after that it picked up considerably. There were a lot of very, very funny comics, some of whom you could tell were really experienced with stand-up and were just here to try out some new material. There were a few who were tragically unfunny. There were a few who aren’t from this country and don’t speak the language and have absolutely no business being on stage trying to be funny. “It’s so brave of them!” commented Jamie. “I’m so impressed!” She is a nice person. In contrast, I was like, “What the fuck? You’re in this country to study engineering. We’re already being plenty nice by letting you come here and take valuable spots in grad schools away from our citizens. Do you have to ruin our comedy nights, too?” I thought it was really annoying. I mean, I don’t go to Mexico and sign up for open mariachi night and then stand there blowing into the wrong end of the trumpet. (Okay, okay, but it only happened once.) And, lastly, there were the really drunk guys who were just extremely creepy and didn’t so much make rape jokes as just talk about rape while staring you straight in the eye and ignoring all other members of the audience. So, ya know, that’s nice.
Tim and Ed were both very funny, and I was so proud of them. It was kind of weird, though, because they’re both a lot older than me, and I kind of view them as my jolly uncles. In fact, they are both exceptionally avuncular toward me. (Someone needs to call my ninth grade English teacher and tell her that I finally managed to use that word in a sentence.) So it was very strange to see them up on stage talking about fucking fat chicks. (”She was built back when meat was still cheap!”)
Anyway, I had a great time, I laughed so hard, and I definitely want to go back … perhaps, at some point, as a performer.
