It’s mid-December, and there are no lines at the mall.

Parking is abundant!

I think I’ve found my holiday joy.

A friend told me once that an expectation is a down payment on a resentment.

I think I expect too much of people.

I never flake. Like, seriously, I basically never flake. If I tell you I’ll do something, I will do it. If I tell you I will come to your party, I’ll be there. I don’t care how tired I am, how much other shit I have to do, how much I’m dreading traffic, whether or not I have anything decent to wear, I will be there. Because I told you I would, and I never want to let my friends down.

When people flake on shit they said they’d do, it makes me fucking crazy. It’s like my number one pet peeve. Especially when they’re people who are really responsible in other aspects of their lives. In fact, in my experience, the people who are hyper-vigilant about their professional lives — who get into work early and stay late and would never dream of flaking on a work commitment — are often the least responsible about their personal lives, and the most likely to let you down. And I think that bothers me even more. Like, your job is really so much more important than your personal relationships? I mean, if you’re thisclose to curing cancer, fine. But if you just work some office job? Then it’s just obnoxious and self-centered. How can you build a friendship that way?

Is this my issue? Do I expect too much from people? Should I feel more comfortable flaking on people? Is this sort of behavior just accepted now? Like, go ahead and say you’ll do something, and then feel free to cancel at the last minute because you no longer feel like doing it?

Thoughts?

I’ve been so, so happy lately. For no particular reason. Just happy. A friend who’s known me for a long time remarked today that I seem comfortable in my own skin these days. It’s actually kind of scaring me how happy I am right now. It’s uncomfortable, even. A little terrifying. I called a very wise friend to tell her this and get her thoughts. “I think I’m happy,” I told her. “Like, really happy, and I don’t even know why. Why is it scary?” She laughed. “It’s pretty cool, dear. You’re feeling the presence of God in your heart for the first time since you were a child, probably. Just sit with it. It’s supposed to be scary the first time.”

I wrote this in late October:

Some Days

things get worse, and they feel deeper and darker and heavy and bursting, but it’s okay, because you’ve been here before, and so you know that something’s about to change.

I remember late October. It was awful. I was so scared — I felt stagnant and directionless and hopeless and lost. But I knew that those feelings always accompany enormous positive change in my life. I knew I just had to sit with it and wait for God to guide me. I was terrified, but I held onto my faith. I’m so grateful that the pain I’ve walked through in the past couple of years has brought me to a place of faith rather than of anger. I feel so fortunate.

Dong Yun Yoon is the immigrant widower whose wife, two young daughters and mother-in-law died when an F/A-18D Hornet experienced engine failure on a practice run and crashed into his San Diego home. The pilot ejected from the plane before the crash. “I heard the pilot is safe,” he told reporters. “Please pray for him not to suffer from this accident … I know there are many people who have experienced more terrible things. But, please, tell me how to do it. I don’t know what to do.”

There’s so much grace in this. This man is not pointing fingers. He is not allowing himself to be filled with anger or resentment. His initial reaction is one of forgiveness, and he is able instinctively to ask for emotional support and guidance.

I hope that America watches Mr. Yoon cope with this enormous loss with a great deal of love in his heart, and with an unfaltering faith in humanity, and I hope we can try to incorporate even a fraction of his attitude into our reactions to silly day-to-day arguments. It would be a wonderful way to celebrate the lives of his family.

Looking forward to the show “Jon minus Nine”

From an old post about Jon & Kate Plus 8.

heard out to the LI sound /
he started dating models /
and he figured it out /
he used to be a nice guy /
then he cut that shit out /
bonafide sex machine /
no better than a Bowery fiend /
she wanted a ride to the upper east side /
but he dropped her ass off in queens”

Kevin Rudolf, “N.Y.C.”

And every other lyrics site on the planet has the rest of this song’s lyrics wrong. So for anyone Googling this shit, the other verse is this:

“he moved from LES to SoHo /
a few blocks for those who don’t know /
down the hall /
punched a hole in the wall /
bounced out on a rent control /
certified son of a gun /
learns life lesson 101 /
don’t fly too high on your own supply /
get burnt by the sun”

me: dude
tell jessica she needs to hire me
but do it nicely
but forcefully
and ceaselessly
like waterboarding, really
Anna: k

(No, I’m not leaving Evil Beet. I’m just trying to land another very cool writing gig.)